Moving on After Loss

I am part of a club to which the membership fee is paid daily. There's not a day that goes by without some sort of reminder of my inclusion in the group.

I am divorced.

To some, this may not seem like a big deal. Half of American marriages currently end in divorce, so why should this bother me? We achieve many shortcomings in life. But not many of them have names that bring such stigma and judgement. From others both outside the club, as well as from within it. And no matter what reasons one had for ending a marriage, there's always the feelings of failure that follow.

The judgement does not end with your marriage. The world around me seemed to take that very well, in fact. I think it was me who took it hardest. My life as I knew it came to an end. My social circle rejected me, and made it clear I was no longer welcome in the Army life. I was physically displaced from my home, and returned to the home (in fact the very bedroom) that I had occupied as a teen. The world had turned on its head, yet everything appeared the same. That was the duality of my loss.

Eventually, my life fell back into order. Right around the time I got into grad school and turned my career prospects around, I met a man. Not just any man. THE man. I love him, and he loves me. We're both works in progress, so he understands what it's like to not have my shit all together. We're getting married. And this is displeasing to many people. For my parents, it will never be the "right time" for me again. Others have other concerns. All I can say is that I will never EVER forget the feelings when my marriage ended. The shame, humiliation, the disappointment. But truly, just the raw, overwhelming pain  and sorrow that crushed me. I hope to GOD I never feel anything like that again. And so some days I'm afraid. Because I'm SO freaking happy right now. I'm scared of how amazing it feels. I'm scared that he'll want to leave me too some day. But that's why I can't hide in the shadows forever. I have to try. And if you're one of those displeased people, cut me some slack. Let me be happy while I can. Because tomorrow is not promised to us. So let me have now.    

The Things She Carried- Thoughts for a New Year

As the new year begins, we all start out with new resolutions. Although we have the best of intentions, they rarely last. This year, however, my life depends on a fresh start, a new way of life.

I don't think I need to explain that divorce is devastating. I could go on until I'm blue in the face, and while I've been told blue is a flattering color on me, I doubt the same can be said for suffocation.

This year, my resolution is simply this: to continue on. I am still in the throes of the most difficult period of my life. The weight under which I can feel myself struggle every day is even greater than the weight I've physically amassed in the past few years. Milan Kundera said that to feel light was to lack being; I'm not entirely sure I agree. If this is what he meant by "having weight," then he can keep it. No offense.

As I watch dear friends graduate, get engaged, get married, have babies, and move forward, it throws into sharp relief the stagnancy that is currently my life.

So this year, my hope is for the flow to begin again. To find my own way to move forward, and take that leap.

Some Truths About Divorce

Now I'm by no means an expert on this subject, but as I am currently experiencing it, I do want to share some of what happens behind the scenes of one of life's most complicated experiences. All "you's" are general.

"Divorce should never be an option. It's not what God wants." There are a myriad of legitimate reasons that marriages fail. Reasons that have nothing to do with loss of love, interest, or effort. The God I know is loving, and will forgive me my faults, including this. God knows me and my marriage much better than you ever could hope to understand. So kindly, go piss up your self righteous flagpole. 

"At least you were only married for a few years." So? The divorce process is still the exact same. I was just as invested in making my marriage work as a couple married for twenty years. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Period. In my opinion, duration of time does not lessen or increase the loss of love. No one would say this to a widow who hadn't been married long, so I don't understand why divorce is treated any differently.

"Divorce is the easy way out." It absolutely BOILS my fucking BLOOD to hear/read this. The best part is that it always comes from people who have never experienced a divorce. What part of a divorce do they imagine is so easy? The part where your marriage becomes a long term, unlivable hell? The part where you have to move out of your home and leave everything comforting you know behind? The part where you have to surrender all your hopes and dreams for the relationship to the mercy of the unknown? The part where you have to unplan your entire life and start over? Maybe I'm not doing my divorce correctly, PLEASE tell me which of those things is so easy.

"At least you didn't have any children." This is my absolute favorite. No, I don't have to put on a brave face for anyone. I can cry at my own will, and be a selfish slave to my own roller coaster of emotions. I don't have to curb what I say about my ex in front of anyone, or pretend to not to want to throw the phone every time we have to talk to discuss some technicality or another. No, I will not have to maintain contact with him after the divorce is finalized. But that does not change how I'm feeling. That doesn't keep the waves of pain so intense that I could die of respiratory failure at bay. That doesn't change anything for me, so please stop telling me that.

Phrases I Can't Stand

1. "I'm itching my (insert body part here)." You are not. You are SCRATCHING an ITCH on said body part.

2. "I shouldn't of done that." No, you shouldn't HAVE.

3. "You're so clutch!" What the HELL does this even mean???

4. "They're so bipolar!" This one REALLY gets me, and it's not hard to figure out why. Someone's mood rapidly changing from high to low and vice versa is NOT the definition of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder means you suffer from manic episodes, which is usually characterized by extremely rapid thoughts. You're trying to say that said person suffers severe mood swings. GET IT RIGHT.

5. "I didn't sleep last night, I'm such an insomniac." Unless you have a diagnosis, quit throwing that word around. I guarantee you have NO idea what true insomnia feels like (coming from someone with a diagnosis, writing a blog entry at midnight).

6. "Irregardless," "All of the sudden," and ""I seen (something/someone)."" These are not real words or correct English. Remove them from your vocabulary.

7. "I'm feeling some type of way." And what way IS that, exactly?

8. "God is good," or "It's God's will." Ok, I KNOW I will catch flack for this one, and that's ok. This just gives me impression that you (or whomever) thinks God is sitting up on the clouds, twirling his beard while sipping a caramel mochiatto frappa-something, deciding who gets their prayers answered and who doesn't like a freaking lottery. And for me, that's not how God works, that's not what God is. So I internally die a little inside every time someone says these to me, even though I would never tell them so. I would never want to insult someone else's faith, this one just personally drives me bananas.

... And Now I'm Jewish

This past Friday, my last two years of work and studying culminated in an official ceremony, converting me to the Jewish faith. I already presented my statement to the congregation, but decided to put it here as well, for anyone else who may be interested in reading it. My mom even came out for my ceremony, which was awesome.

Conversion Statement- Why Did I Convert?

            In Rabbi Bach’s last service before the New Year, he shared with us that currently one in four people are identifying themselves as “nothing,” or “none” in terms of religion. For most of my life, this label applied to me. My parents felt deep dissatisfaction with their spiritual upbringings, and so didn’t raise me in any religion, wanting different for me. While I know why they did this, it caused me lots of confusion over the years. In a world full of science and proof and fact, was there a higher power? Where did I belong? I felt alienated from the spiritual world, having no understanding of it and no idea where to begin. I had had some encounters with Christianity, but they left me feeling uncomfortable and alone. These experiences had me feeling even more out of place than ever, so for most of my teenage and young adult life, I preferred to defer to the “nothing” category.

My first experiences with Judaism were the bat mitzvahs of my friends Erin and Melissa in 2002. Even though I had never previously been involved in any Jewish ceremony or worship, I felt a sense of belonging and understanding for the first time there in that synagogue. But it would be nine more years before that calling would really make sense to me, and pull me in a definite direction. In that time, I completed my education, got married and moved out of the safety and security of my parents’ home. I think that’s when the “nothing” label started to not be good enough for me anymore. I was now in the adult world, no longer a teenager who knew everything. As J.R.R Tolkien tells us in Lord of the Rings, “Nothing is certain; some things ARE certain.” What had become certain to me was that there was a higher power in the world, though it made little sense to me.

            Then, several years ago, my friend Maggie converted to Judaism from the church. I didn’t know one could do such a thing. Her dedication and perseverance encouraged me to seek out a temple where I might explore Judaism for myself, remembering the community and belonging from the bat mitzvahs so many years before. There were no temples in Oklahoma, where my husband and I were first stationed in 2010, so I was forced to wait until March of 2011 when we first arrived here in El Paso. I contacted the temple office, and they helped me set up a meeting with Rabbi Bach. His instructions before our first meeting were easy enough: attend one of the services that weekend. And in only one service, I knew I was where I truly belonged. I can’t entirely put it into words, but I just KNEW. Now that’s not to say it’s been an easy journey since then, reconciling my life before Judaism with my current sense of spirituality. It’s taken a lot of time, learning, soul searching, and mostly, lots of praying (which I had never done before). But now I know where I belong, what I believe, who I am. I have found my home as a Jew. Our prayer book reads, “May the doors of this synagogue be wide enough to receive all who hunger for love, all who are lonely for friendship. May it welcome all who have cares to unburden, thanks to express, hopes to nurture… May this synagogue be, for all who enter, the doorway to a richer and more meaningful life.” And for me, it is.

And now that it’s official, you all can start charging me. Thank you.

Breaking the Stigma- Part 2

Now that all is said and done and I'm 2.5 years married, I'm currently a stay at home wife. To boot, I'm a stay at home army wife (SAHAW). If I thought the stigma and judgment would end once we were finally married and the idea of our marriage had the chance to mature in the minds of our peers/friends/associates/society, I couldn't have been more wrong. Here are some responses to some of my favorite current criticisms. As always, colorful language and metaphores are present, and all "you's" are general.


1. "You're an ARMY wife. Wow, you must have a bajillion kids."- Oh really now? And where exactly would I be hiding my hoard of children, since I don't remember conceiving, birthing, or seeing any. And 2.5 years is a LONG ass time for a game of hide-and-seek, even for the best of them.

2. "You also stay at home; you must not have an education."- Would you also suggest that gnomes govern the sewer systems, and that the sun is actually a giant Tropicana orange? I worked two jobs in college, and still earned two degrees in four years. DO NOT doubt my work ethic or will power. If you'd like, you can examine my diploma for yourself, as ugly as it is (hint HINT Muhlenberg College!). It does exist, laying in the bottom of my closet. Because unlike YOU, everything I am is worth more than a piece of paper. 

3. "Well then why are you not working? You must be lazy, or have no career goals of your own. You're happy to mooch off your husband."- Do. Not. EVER. Say. This. To. Me. Period. While there are certain things I do enjoy about being at home right now, I'm no leech. I did not marry my husband for his money, so I could sit around on my ass and not contribute. There are many reasons factoring into why I'm not working right now, which are no one else's business but my own. But since you're so bold as to assume, I'll elaborate a little bit. YOU try finding a job in a bilingual area when you're not bilingual. YOU try finding a job where employers know you won't be living there long enough to make training you worth their while. And YOU try changing career paths without being able to get your foot in the door anywhere for the aforementioned reasons. And THEN tell me what I must or must not want for my life.

Breaking the Stigma... Sorta- Part 1

After Ann Romney spoke recently on TV, a friend (who I do hold in very high regard, despite what I'm about to say) made a statement to the effect of "Wow, I'm glad she relates to me. I didn't know what I was missing out on by getting married at 22, popping out five kids, never working and not doing anything with my life!" I'm completely paraphrasing, but that was the gist of her written thought. And on the one hand, I do understand what she means. I was a double major in college with two jobs; I believe in having lofty ambitions, and in women putting their minds to getting whatever they want. On the other hand, my married-at-22-and-unemployed-ass-on-the-couch had another response; "OUCH."

And now, I'm responding again about ten days later, but not just to this singular comment. It's a perk of being unemployed, a stay at home wife (SAHW), I have a lot of time. ;-) This comment made me remember the reactions and comments I got as I was engaged and getting married. Which WAAAAAAAAY outnumbered any congratulations I got, by the way. And now, I will FINALLY have the chance to address it all here. Only about three years late, but the internet lets me do that. If you don't want to "hear" it, don't read it. As usual, all "you's" are general, and not meant to name anyone specifically.

1. "You're rushing things! You barely know him"- Actually, we'd been together for about 4.5 years when cookie monster proposed. So even though we were 21 at that point, we'd hardly been sitting about for all that time waiting for the day where we could be properly introduced and get to know each other.  It was DATING, not high tea with the Queen! I don't think we were rushing anything. It's like how the rest of the Star Wars cast knew EXACTLY where to track down Han, but still took 3 years to rescue him. Would you say THEY were rushing things??? I don't think HE thought so.

2. "Is there a.... special... reason this is happening so quickly?"- I am going to say this ONCE. Just this one time, for any and all to see/read. I will never answer this question publicly again. I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN PREGNANT. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant and deciding to get married. I don't care as long as everyone is happy. But have your damn facts straight before you open your big mouth and assume something like that. I can't even tell you how hurtful that reaction was (and I did get it- to my face).

3. "There's no reason to get married when you're so young!"- But there's no reason to NOT get married so young either. We had to deal with the reality that the Army was setting in front of us. He was NEVER going to be living on east coast again, three weeks after commissioning/graduation. NEVER. We had those three weeks, or we could have been stuck waiting YEARS until one of us could get enough vacation time to travel cross-country to get married. And we wanted our families there. It could have been a real life "Five Year Engagement." And while there's nothing wrong with that, it isn't what we wanted. And isn't that the bottom line?

4. "It's so sudden!"- We'd been discussing getting engaged and married in detail about 5-6 months before his official proposal. I don't think that's so sudden? Just because we didn't publish it in the Muhlenberg paper, and broadcast it via Mike Bruckner's email cyberspace, doesn't mean discussions weren't happening. They were just private, as they should be. If we wanted to end up in the "Verbatim" column (quotes of horrible things you heard on campus), we would have held open forum in the GQ cafeteria! But thankfully, that wasn't necessary. It was our lives, not a national political convention.

And even though my life is currently that of a SAHW, I don't think I fit in with all being said about me on that topic either. But that, is for another night.

The tips continue!

Deployment Tip #2- Laugh often

Disclaimer: for the purposes of this blog entry, all pronouns will be masculine, and all military personell will be soldiers. Sorry ladies, marines, airmen, etc., but I'm too lazy to write them all out over and over again. So if you aren't a male soldier, please don't think I'm excluding you.

It's difficult to describe the plethora of emotions that come along with a combat deployment. But I think the most simple way I can describe the whole of all these different feelings is in one word- incomplete. I don't mean this in the typical, co-dependent and melodramatic fashion of "you complete me," or "my soul wasn't whole until I met you." I find that ridiculous. Unless you WANT to admit to being partially brain-dead until that magical day that love finally found you and awakened the lost synaptic connections, I suggest abandoning that attitude. Or auditioning for a part in the newest day-time soap opera, whichever you prefer.  It should have been "If YOU only had a brain."

When I say "incomplete," I mean something entirely different. My life does not stop when my husband is gone. By all appearances, it might look like my life hasn't changed at all, or that I'm a cold hearted bitch for not missing him "enough," or being as distraught as people think I ought be. I try to enjoy every day to the fullest, and have as much fun as I can. But there is never a day that I forget about him, the danger he's in, or how much I miss him. When I have to love him from across the world, I feel every mile. I'm incomplete because he holds a piece of my heart. And when he's gone, he takes that piece with him. It still exists, since he has it. But it's not with me anymore, so a small piece of me is separate from the rest. When he's with me, it's shared, rather than separate. But until he can be with me again, it remains separate.

Now, it's not unusual for shit to hit the fan the MOMENT he deploys. You may have a leak in your roof (sorry Megan), or you may cut your finger open on a knife and THEN realize you have no bandaids (that dumbass was me). But sometimes, shit is just FUNNY. Here are some personal examples.

1. I was craving hibatchi one night, so I ordered it to go. And there was much rejoicing. For some reason, I was still craving it the next night (if anyone tries to make a preggo comment at this point, I will SHANK you). It's super high in calories and expensive, but I decided to have it again for a second night in a row. I figured what the hell, no one but Paul would ever find out how much I was stuffing my face. So I call and give my order, and I give my name when he asks for it before hanging up. He says "Oh, I remember you from last night!" *facepalm* And when I go to pick it up, he says "See you again really soon!"

2. Several people have asked me if we're trying to have a baby (sorry, Karen). I got so irritated, I finally decided to get a laugh out of it. I responded with "Unless you want to loan me YOUR husband, getting pregnant during a deployment means writing checks my hoohah can't cash." They didn't laugh, but I sure as hell did.

3. When cookie monster was at pre-deployment training (still counts), I was snuggling with our puppy one night. He was nuzzling me a lot, which I thought was sweet. I realized I needed some milk for the next morning, so I went to check my face and such before going to the grocery store. Low and behold, there were two huge wet spots on my chest, in the obvious suggestive places. He'd licked, instead of nuzzled. I hadn't done laundry yet and didn't have any clean clothes, so I had no choice but to go out like that, which was funny enough. Then, I made a facebook status about it, and joked that people might think the reason for the wet spots was because I had another man over while mine was gone, when in reality, my dog had tried to get to second base with me. Cue another round of giggle from me, as I thought I was so witty. Then I realized that it sounded like I'd just revealed details of what my husband and I do in our bedroom when he IS home. I might as well have invited all my facebook friends into a porno for how bad it sounded. Take foot, insert in mouth, keep digging grave. While embarrassing in the moment, it was also kind of funny. I think the person next to me in the dairy section thought I was possessed as I maniacally giggled to myself. 

In conclusion, when going through a deployment, laughing at yourself can be a good antidote for sadness. And if that doesn't work for you, laughing at me is acceptable instead, I don't mind. ;-)

  

The plump, read headed stepsister with braces

As the cookie monster and I prepare for our adventure in SFAAT Afghan-land, I can't help but think about this same time last year, and how different things are now. This is a post delving into the things I didn't know- and for a large part still don't.

We were brand new to the area and Ft. Bliss. While the other wives were friendly, I felt intimidated by their experience and wisdom, and didn't know how I could ever hope to be like them. Not only were they able to keep it together when the guys left, but they excelled at being temporarily single parents. They were able to set up a play date with one hand, drop the chicklets off at school with the other, cook a three course meal with their left foot (obviously needing the right to stand on), using the big toe on that left foot to change diapers, and magically make themselves up to look FABULOUS just through sheer willpower. They were superheros.

And then there was...... me. My great feat of courage was telling the cashier to "bite me," after she sneered at my public display of bawling in the Walmart check-out line. My superhero power was my unchallenged ability to pack on more weight than Dom Deluise, without the slightest bit of effort. And the whole time, all I could think was "How am I going to get through this?" I thought about those other women, the epitome of strength and grace..... and then me, the plump, red headed stepsister with braces.

But as the cookie monster and I prepare for the start of our second deployment, I'm realizing that everyone starts somewhere. This time, I'm staying in El Paso, and I'll be living in our house, alone by myself. Instead of willing time to slow down so that he doesn't have to leave, I'm anticipating getting the goodbyes over with, so that homecoming can come next. And just like that..... the braces are gone. I can only assume that with time, the plump red headedness will dissipate into something less grotesque.                     

Happy new year!

Yes, I am VERY late with this. Sorry!

The Cookie Monster got home from Iraq almost 8 months early in November, so I haven't needed to post any deployment tips for a while. But never fear, he is deploying to the middle east again this summer, so I'll pick them back up then. Obviously, this means I'm back in Texas. We decided not to go back to the apartment complex (from HELL) and are MUCH happier in our new home! I'm looking for work (I hope to hear about a potential job this week!), and hanging out with friends a lot. I feel much more at home here now than I did before our Iraq adventure began.

I hope to come up with something interesting to write about soon! Stay tuned :)

Surviving Deployments

Lot's of military wives blog about this same subject, it's perfectly common. I, however, would like to do it over time, learning as I go, with my own personal flare. Sound good? Yay :-)

Tip #1: DON'T watch Dr. Zhivago.

You're home alone and you figure "Eh, I'll watch a classic, why not?" Well, the dude has a wife AND a mistress. You're home alone, missing the love of your life, and this guy gets TWO women at his every beck and call? Having every emotional and sexual need fulfilled twice over? How the hell is THAT any fair?! You'd kill for just ONE particular wo/man to be there with you, and this guy gets TWO? Eff that! This movie just makes for one pissy jealousy fest- if you feel overcome with the need to watch it, run. Run to the library or movie rental place and get ANYTHING else. Even Jane Eyre will put you in a better mood.

For once, being slightly serious

Hi all. It's been a long time, so I figured I'd take this opportunity to address my life to date. For those of you actually bored enough to be interested, you have my apologies. You're in for some serious rambling.

Paul left for Iraq in July, and I've moved back to New Jersey to be with my parents while he's gone. This decision has won me criticism from multiple people. Some of which has included, but is not limited to the following:
1. I am running away from my responsibilities as an adult.
2. I'm isolating myself from the world to sulk 24/7 about my husband being gone.
3. I am being immature for "running back to my mommy" (this kinda ties into #1).
4. I'm abandoning my husband by leaving the home we shared together, and moving across the country.

Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion. But let's consider my life specifically before we all pass judgment. Number 1: I think I'm still caring for my responsibilities. I may live in my mother's home, but nothing has changed from my married life. I share cooking responsibilities. I do my own laundry. I vacuum the upstairs wing of the house, and clean my own bathroom. I take care of the family pets, including grooming, feeding, and cleaning. I offered to pay rent in addition to doing all of the above, which she refused. Therefore, other than paying rent, I still maintain the household responsibilities that I had before moving in. If you really think otherwise, I have to say my mother and I have the most whacked out maid arrangement I've ever seen.

Number 2: I have the phone numbers and facebook pages of most of the unit wives. I think of them often, and keep in touch regularly, as annoying as I'm sure that is. I get out and visit the friends closer in location fairly often. I go out and run errands with my mom. I'm hardly shutting myself in my room, wallowing in self pity. This was part of the whole point of me moving- I felt more isolated in one of the largest states in our country than I do in one of the smallest. I think that's more ironic than Alanis' song.

Number 3: This is our first deployment. I fucking hate living in Texas. I hate the people (except the unit wives), I hate the traffic, and I hate the heat. I could live anywhere from Texas to a shoe box in your backyard as long as my husband was with me. But why should I suffer living in a place that I hate for an entire year, completely alone? When I can be in my second home, surrounded by loving friends and family? Yea, it sounds really immature to me, and doesn't make any sense.

Number 4: Moving "home" was not an easy decision for me to make. I had to weigh lot's of pros and cons before coming to my final decision. In the end, I made this move with my husband's loving support. He understands my need to be around other family in his absence. He willingly agreed to give up the home we shared together because he knew how happy I would be being with my parents in his absence. He understood that constantly being around his things in our home would make this separation harder on me, and being in the place I inhabited when I was single would be make it easier to sustain my life without him. In being his selfless self, he agreed this move was best for me. If I have his blessing, I'm hardly abandoning him. I keep in constant contact with him- I am always available to him, emotionally speaking. And since he's on the other side of the world right now, I don't see how me being somewhere else still half a world away is abandoning him. We're still apart either way; it's not like we're "more apart" if I change locations.

I hope that explains my logic behind my coming back to New Jersey. Now that you're fully informed, feel free to draw your own conclusions and form judgments. I promise to take them as seriously as I take global warming.

Ways Women are Like Fish

Inspired by How I Met Your Mother...

1. We're attracted to shiny objects.
2. If men throw us a line, we might bite.
3. If you take us out of our environment, we either thrive, or do the dead float.
4. We all want to live in a pretty castle.
5. If you house us too close together, we eat each other alive.
6. We gesture spastically.
7. We sparkle.
8. We come in many pretty colors.
9. When solving problems, we go around in circles just to end up where we started.
10. Our tails tend to be a high point of attention.

Why We Wait

The Cookie Monster is leaving soon, for what will be a long time. Once again, I have people asking me "why?" Why would I ever put up with that? Why would I wait? Just, why?

Imagine your arm. It's something you ordinarily don't live without, right? It's literally an extension of your main person. So, if a doctor suddenly told you it had to be amputated, you'd be pretty upset. You'd have trouble imagining how you're going to live without it, how awful the adjustment would be, and how difficult it would be to navigate this new territory. How will you reach the cookie jar on the top shelf without that arm?

But then, the doctor tells you "It's ok, it's just temporary. In a year from now, I will have the technology to magically re-attach your arm, and make you whole again." It suddenly doesn't seem quite so bad. Yes, it will be difficult, but eventually, you will have your arm back, and your body will once again be whole.

Think about it- anything awful sounds SO much better, when it's not forever. You run out of socks and can't go shopping for a year. It's ok. You develop callouses on your feet as they get tougher and tougher. It might stink and get a little hairy sometimes (and there are sprays for that), but then that day arrives- you can go shopping again. Your shoes once again have an extra cushion of comfort and awesomeness that you feared you'd never get back again.

This is the life of a military wife (or husband). We are constantly separated from the person we love, and subject to the scrutiny of our family and friends. And that's why. No matter how much it sucks, it is only temporary. Eventually, we are together again. After learning how to operate separately, we do eventually get our arm back. Our lives do become whole again. We can once again, reach the cookie jar on the top shelf. And that's why we wait.

The World of Mara's Fashion

My staple guide to wardrobes; especially for those without mirrors in the morning:

1. Jeans- don't have to actually fit. As long as they cling to you seductively, so tightly that you can see your panty seams, that's good enough. And that poochy bit squeezed out over the top of the jeans- no one even notices. So long as you achieve that hourglass look somehow, that's all that matters.

2. Shirts- should outline every little detail of what's under it, including every little roll, wrinkle, and piece of overflowing boobage. Wear it especially if it rides up over your hips, exposing just a bit of midriff.

3. Shorts- Make sure they offer as little coverage as possible. Maximum booty exposure is the name of the game. God knows my life is not complete if I don't get a class-A look a your class-A(ss).

4. Sweats- DO NOT wear them. Comfort has absolutely no value in today's fashion world. Who cares if you feel so comfy, you just want to curl up on the nearest couch and fall asleep in the middle of the day? They don't look nearly as awesome as tight cropped jeans, so don't even pretend.

5. Cover-alls will NEVER go out of style, especially denim ones.

How to Deal with Break-Ups

Part 2!!! Yay!!! This is slightly less funny than usual, but I hope I can make it up to everyone later :-)

1. DO NOT- keep contacting them. If they broke up with you, you may have expected it was coming, or come totally out of the blue. I know you are having all these confusing thoughts about WHY did they break up with you, what did you do wrong, etc. IGNORE them. Stalking your ex, or "trying to be friends" right away seriously defeats the point of a break-up. Which is to NOT BE TOGETHER ANYMORE. GAAAAAH! Take a band-aid for example. You rip it off all at once and cut all contact- it hurts like a MOTHER. But once the initial shock and pain occur, the pain is gone pretty quickly, like in a few minutes. It may take longer than a few minutes to get over your ex entirely, but if you bite the bullet and don't try to assuage your pain by trying to keep them around, it does end faster. If you keep creeping off the bandaid, inch by inch, it hurts the ENTIRE time. It doesn't end. It's like slowly pulling on a bandaid that stretches around the entire world. And that BLOWS. Once you are over them (as in your heart no longer flutters or spasms in pain at the sight of them), then, possibly building a new friendship can commence. But NOT until then. Because until then, you're only putting off the inevitable, and drawing it out, so when it DOES finally end somehow, it hurts a million times worse than if you dealt with the pain and loss to begin with.

2. DO- take a few days to yourself. Some people like to get out right away with friends to frget their pain. But most people like to take some time to themselves to grieve. This is normal. However, if you spend so long in bed eating ice cream that your pillow is now HELPING you eat your pint of mint chocolate chip, or you're able to braid your nosehairs- STOP and get OUT of bed. Eventually, after a few days of grieving, you should try to get out and about with friends. While it's ok to not feel like gussying yourself up or fixing your hair, PLEASE do not cease personal hygiene. Now that you're available again, you need to leave yourself open for possibilities of new tomorrows- and no decent Mr. or Ms. Tomorrow is going to be interested in you while you resemble a smelly piece of ghoul-like shrubbery. Unless you REALLY dig that kid from math class who collects his bellybutton lint in a jar.

3. DO NOT- start THROWING yourself at the same or opposite gender (whichever way you swing). Part of Rule #2 is you should take care of yourself physically because it's telepathically understood that you're still hurting a bit inside. Instantly throwing yourself into a new relationship does not allow you the time you need to properly finish the grieving process (see Rule #1). And still having that residual grief will likely just hurt you and this new relationship in the long run, and maybe make you act a lil bit crazy. NO ONE LIKES A PSYCHO BITCH. So give yourself whatever time you need to get your shit together and get over him/her. And if people are telling you you're moving too fast for just having your heart broken- LISTEN. There are too many trainwrecks on the actual railways to let yourself become a metaphorical one.

4. DO- let yourself heal. Don't keep torturing yourself with what if's, or let thoughts about your ex consume your life. The bottom line is: they said NO. You need to respect that, but you also need to acknowledge that no matter how good a reason they had, it is THEIR loss. And that leaves you with an open schedule to pursue other kinds of fun activities. Your life IS NOT over. You had a life before them, and now you need to continue down your yellow brick road WITHOUT them.

5. DO- let yourself cry sometimes. Love and loss hurt. But once you no longer feel like you're being pressed to death, pick yourself up and remember that as much as you're hurting right now, it IS temporary. You won't feel this bad forever, unless you FORCE yourself to. Which a lot of people seem to ENJOY doing. Masochists, all of you.

6. DO NOT- be a bitch. No matter who broke up with whom, spreading awful rumors about the other person or flaunting a new relationship to PURPOSEFULLY hurt your ex is not just BAD just for them. It makes YOU look bad and bitchy. Bitchy is NOT a good color on anyone. So big a bigger person and go neutral in public. Less time and energy, and more possibilities with the rest of your wardrobe.

7. DO- be a good ex. LET the other person move on. If they keep pursuing you (Rule #1), POLITELY but FIRMLY refuse them, and help them in a way that they're not helping themselves. If your ex starts seeing someone new, don't attack their new partner. The new person in their life is NOT responsible for your hurt feelings, THEY are, so keep your anger in check. And if you find yourself in a position to be so mature, try to even be happy for them, and wish them well. It's all you want for life too, so get a head start.

How to Have a Successful Break-Up... I mean RELATIONSHIP- Part 1

Lately, I've been witnessing a lot of break-ups/divorces/what have you. So, I've decided to put together my two cents (as an observer) into two different lists: how to make your relationship as enjoyable and successful as possible, and then what to do if the worst should happen, because sometimes it is inevitable that things end. This particular list will be dedicated to making a relationship work- my next post will contain the second list.

To Make Your Relationship Even MORE Awesome:

1. DO be honest- but do know when to keep your mouth shut. Should they know about your bad mood today? Yes. Should you try to calmly discuss the situation if they've done something to upset you? Yes. Do they have to know that at this exact moment, you think their blackheads resemble a nighttime constellation pattern? Not quite.

2. DO show AND tell- every day, don't let them EVER have reason to doubt how much you love and appreciate them. I see so many couples get comfortable, and stop putting in the effort. They lose the spark. Don't let it happen; a relationship is like a living organism. If they were physically dying, would you just stand there to the side and watch it happen? If the answer's yes, please back away from my blog VERY slowly. But for most of us, we would do everything we could to help them. So if the romance starts to die, stop whining and crying, go get a freaking AED and REVIVE the bitch!!!

3. DO talk to each other- but there's nothing wrong with silence too. It does not indicate a loss of interest or love, or that you have nothing to talk about. Feel free to tell them about the awesome flying dream you had last night, while flapping your arms like a bird. If they really love you, they may even offer to hold you off the roof by your ankles to have the most accurate waking experience of that dream possible. They do not need a monologue every day dedicated to the profoundness of the cornflakes/cinnabon/poptart you had for breakfast.

4. DO trust them- enough said.

5. DO NOT try to take away their friends- I cannot even FATHOM it when men or women tell their s/o that they CANNOT have friends (both their gender AND the opposite gender), or hang out with them alone. To me, that indicates a huge lack of confidence, that they cannot be with anyone without your supervision or permission. I realize not every couple feels this way- but it is MY two cents. If I told Cookie Monster he couldn't have any friends without me there, and therefore I HAD to be wherever he was, I'd freaking KILL myself to escape the boredom that would ensue. The reason he has friends is they find similar topics interesting- which a lot of the time, I DO NOT agree to be fascinating. I find counting the number of hair follicles on my head to be more thrilling than do some of his favorite hobbies. Him having friends means I get to AVOID this and do what I want :-) Win? I think so.

6. DO keep the intimacy alive- however possible. No relationship should revolve around or depend on sex. But there's a certain emotional intimacy that goes along with physical (meaning sexual) intimacy. So if the physical intimacy suffers, the emotional well-being of the relationship will suffer IF that emotional intimacy is not achieved SOMEHOW, in another way. How each couple handles it is complicated, and up to them. But if the sex is lacking (or lagging in awesomeness), make sure it gets addressed however you feel comfortable.

7. DO NOT play games- of the mind variety, I mean. Please, play whatever board games you like together. But leave the calculating manipulation and control on said board, where it belongs. Be mature adults, and try to work out your problems as such. Because in the end, mental and emotional games ALWAYS backfire. ALWAYS. And then the only Battleship that will sink will be the one your relationship sailed on.

8. DO say sorry- often. This doesn't mean they are right, and you are admitting defeat. But it lets both parties show they regret any nastiness that occurred during a fight, and even if you still don't agree, you do still love each other. After all, if your favorite and very dependable vibrator ran out of batteries every so often (as they usually do) , you wouldn't just throw it out and go buy a new one, would you? Well I hope not, those things are hella expensive. But what is more expensive is the cost of stubborn pride on a relationship. Don't let it fall apart because you couldn't say two little words.

Following the cookie monster

So I've been getting asked a lot of questions lately, in relation to my marriage (my other half will now be known as "The Cookie Monster") and such. But the one conversation that keeps popping up (and pissing me off) is "Oklahoma? Why would you move there?" "Well, Paul will be there for the last phase of his army schooling, so I'm going out to join him." "But WHY???"

I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does my head feel so light, but not float away? What good reasons could I POSSIBLY have for wanting to be with my husband?

I think some people don't realize he is GONE. He is NOT coming back to NJ. After his bit in Kentucky is over (where I'm NOT allowed to follow him), he will go to Oklahoma, and then he will move and live wherever he is assigned to, as his first official duty station. I had originally planned to stay in NJ until after he was done in Oklahoma, but we changed our mind. Why, might you ask?

First of all, he is my HUSBAND. A lot of people (me included) don't realize how different it actually is to go from a girlfriend or fiancee to a full blown wife. Your relationship itself may not change a whole lot, but said former relationship morphs into a much different version of what it used to be. And let's face it; most people get married and (if they haven't already) MOVE IN TOGETHER. Gasp, I know. It's so shocking! I would love to be guzzling cookies ALL THE TIME!

Now, to answer that asininely BURNING question of "why?" By the time The Cookie Monster gets to Oklahoma, we will have been separated for three months, out of three and a half months of marriage. Now, I realize while plenty of other jobs send their workers on business trips, I don't know too many jobs outside the military that send people for multiple months (or even years) at a time. The average business trip for other jobs seems to be 1-2 weeks. But amount of time is not the point- I fully expect any wife who's husband has to go away for a few weeks to miss him JUST as much as I miss my Cookie Monster. I do not hold dibs or the quota on being able to miss anyone, just because I'm a cookie whore.... I mean, an army wife. So WHY said wives who miss their hubbies just as much as I do WOULDN'T understand, I really have no idea.

Ok, imagine. You pledge your undying love and devotion to each other, then say goodbye not long after. Now, YOUR hubby/boyfriend/flying-purple-people-eater (etc.) is on one of his two week business trips. His boss makes him either give him his phone (where he locks it away in a safe that will pelt you with cookie baseballs if you try to break it open), or forces him to place it outside in the pouring rain. Either way, his cell phone is destroyed. He can use a communal company computer for absolute emergencies, but otherwise, he is un-reachable. NO phone calls every night, and no substitute text or email. You get maybe a two-sentence email message twice each week, if you're lucky. Imagine how upset and frustrated you would feel, if starved of cookies from far away for those two whole weeks. Now, imagine if that lasted EIGHT MONTHS instead of two weeks. Would you NOT be ready to commit cookie suicide, after being deprived of your cookies for so long? And then, if you found out you could get your cookies back sooner, and only be apart for THREE months, instead of eight, are you really going to pretend to act like you wouldn't jump at it in half a heartbeat?

So, the answer to this end all be all question is very simple: because I'm a cookie whore. And so are you. So quit acting like you're above it all, and BRING ME THAT DAMN COOKIE JAR!!!

I'm new to this, but....

Give me a chance. I'm used to having friends close by who understand and embrace my insane psychobabble. But now that I'm going to be moving around a lot more, I hope to give them the chance to catch them on here, since they won't be able to get it for real.