How to Deal with Break-Ups

Part 2!!! Yay!!! This is slightly less funny than usual, but I hope I can make it up to everyone later :-)

1. DO NOT- keep contacting them. If they broke up with you, you may have expected it was coming, or come totally out of the blue. I know you are having all these confusing thoughts about WHY did they break up with you, what did you do wrong, etc. IGNORE them. Stalking your ex, or "trying to be friends" right away seriously defeats the point of a break-up. Which is to NOT BE TOGETHER ANYMORE. GAAAAAH! Take a band-aid for example. You rip it off all at once and cut all contact- it hurts like a MOTHER. But once the initial shock and pain occur, the pain is gone pretty quickly, like in a few minutes. It may take longer than a few minutes to get over your ex entirely, but if you bite the bullet and don't try to assuage your pain by trying to keep them around, it does end faster. If you keep creeping off the bandaid, inch by inch, it hurts the ENTIRE time. It doesn't end. It's like slowly pulling on a bandaid that stretches around the entire world. And that BLOWS. Once you are over them (as in your heart no longer flutters or spasms in pain at the sight of them), then, possibly building a new friendship can commence. But NOT until then. Because until then, you're only putting off the inevitable, and drawing it out, so when it DOES finally end somehow, it hurts a million times worse than if you dealt with the pain and loss to begin with.

2. DO- take a few days to yourself. Some people like to get out right away with friends to frget their pain. But most people like to take some time to themselves to grieve. This is normal. However, if you spend so long in bed eating ice cream that your pillow is now HELPING you eat your pint of mint chocolate chip, or you're able to braid your nosehairs- STOP and get OUT of bed. Eventually, after a few days of grieving, you should try to get out and about with friends. While it's ok to not feel like gussying yourself up or fixing your hair, PLEASE do not cease personal hygiene. Now that you're available again, you need to leave yourself open for possibilities of new tomorrows- and no decent Mr. or Ms. Tomorrow is going to be interested in you while you resemble a smelly piece of ghoul-like shrubbery. Unless you REALLY dig that kid from math class who collects his bellybutton lint in a jar.

3. DO NOT- start THROWING yourself at the same or opposite gender (whichever way you swing). Part of Rule #2 is you should take care of yourself physically because it's telepathically understood that you're still hurting a bit inside. Instantly throwing yourself into a new relationship does not allow you the time you need to properly finish the grieving process (see Rule #1). And still having that residual grief will likely just hurt you and this new relationship in the long run, and maybe make you act a lil bit crazy. NO ONE LIKES A PSYCHO BITCH. So give yourself whatever time you need to get your shit together and get over him/her. And if people are telling you you're moving too fast for just having your heart broken- LISTEN. There are too many trainwrecks on the actual railways to let yourself become a metaphorical one.

4. DO- let yourself heal. Don't keep torturing yourself with what if's, or let thoughts about your ex consume your life. The bottom line is: they said NO. You need to respect that, but you also need to acknowledge that no matter how good a reason they had, it is THEIR loss. And that leaves you with an open schedule to pursue other kinds of fun activities. Your life IS NOT over. You had a life before them, and now you need to continue down your yellow brick road WITHOUT them.

5. DO- let yourself cry sometimes. Love and loss hurt. But once you no longer feel like you're being pressed to death, pick yourself up and remember that as much as you're hurting right now, it IS temporary. You won't feel this bad forever, unless you FORCE yourself to. Which a lot of people seem to ENJOY doing. Masochists, all of you.

6. DO NOT- be a bitch. No matter who broke up with whom, spreading awful rumors about the other person or flaunting a new relationship to PURPOSEFULLY hurt your ex is not just BAD just for them. It makes YOU look bad and bitchy. Bitchy is NOT a good color on anyone. So big a bigger person and go neutral in public. Less time and energy, and more possibilities with the rest of your wardrobe.

7. DO- be a good ex. LET the other person move on. If they keep pursuing you (Rule #1), POLITELY but FIRMLY refuse them, and help them in a way that they're not helping themselves. If your ex starts seeing someone new, don't attack their new partner. The new person in their life is NOT responsible for your hurt feelings, THEY are, so keep your anger in check. And if you find yourself in a position to be so mature, try to even be happy for them, and wish them well. It's all you want for life too, so get a head start.