Some Truths About Divorce

Now I'm by no means an expert on this subject, but as I am currently experiencing it, I do want to share some of what happens behind the scenes of one of life's most complicated experiences. All "you's" are general.

"Divorce should never be an option. It's not what God wants." There are a myriad of legitimate reasons that marriages fail. Reasons that have nothing to do with loss of love, interest, or effort. The God I know is loving, and will forgive me my faults, including this. God knows me and my marriage much better than you ever could hope to understand. So kindly, go piss up your self righteous flagpole. 

"At least you were only married for a few years." So? The divorce process is still the exact same. I was just as invested in making my marriage work as a couple married for twenty years. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Period. In my opinion, duration of time does not lessen or increase the loss of love. No one would say this to a widow who hadn't been married long, so I don't understand why divorce is treated any differently.

"Divorce is the easy way out." It absolutely BOILS my fucking BLOOD to hear/read this. The best part is that it always comes from people who have never experienced a divorce. What part of a divorce do they imagine is so easy? The part where your marriage becomes a long term, unlivable hell? The part where you have to move out of your home and leave everything comforting you know behind? The part where you have to surrender all your hopes and dreams for the relationship to the mercy of the unknown? The part where you have to unplan your entire life and start over? Maybe I'm not doing my divorce correctly, PLEASE tell me which of those things is so easy.

"At least you didn't have any children." This is my absolute favorite. No, I don't have to put on a brave face for anyone. I can cry at my own will, and be a selfish slave to my own roller coaster of emotions. I don't have to curb what I say about my ex in front of anyone, or pretend to not to want to throw the phone every time we have to talk to discuss some technicality or another. No, I will not have to maintain contact with him after the divorce is finalized. But that does not change how I'm feeling. That doesn't keep the waves of pain so intense that I could die of respiratory failure at bay. That doesn't change anything for me, so please stop telling me that.

Phrases I Can't Stand

1. "I'm itching my (insert body part here)." You are not. You are SCRATCHING an ITCH on said body part.

2. "I shouldn't of done that." No, you shouldn't HAVE.

3. "You're so clutch!" What the HELL does this even mean???

4. "They're so bipolar!" This one REALLY gets me, and it's not hard to figure out why. Someone's mood rapidly changing from high to low and vice versa is NOT the definition of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder means you suffer from manic episodes, which is usually characterized by extremely rapid thoughts. You're trying to say that said person suffers severe mood swings. GET IT RIGHT.

5. "I didn't sleep last night, I'm such an insomniac." Unless you have a diagnosis, quit throwing that word around. I guarantee you have NO idea what true insomnia feels like (coming from someone with a diagnosis, writing a blog entry at midnight).

6. "Irregardless," "All of the sudden," and ""I seen (something/someone)."" These are not real words or correct English. Remove them from your vocabulary.

7. "I'm feeling some type of way." And what way IS that, exactly?

8. "God is good," or "It's God's will." Ok, I KNOW I will catch flack for this one, and that's ok. This just gives me impression that you (or whomever) thinks God is sitting up on the clouds, twirling his beard while sipping a caramel mochiatto frappa-something, deciding who gets their prayers answered and who doesn't like a freaking lottery. And for me, that's not how God works, that's not what God is. So I internally die a little inside every time someone says these to me, even though I would never tell them so. I would never want to insult someone else's faith, this one just personally drives me bananas.

... And Now I'm Jewish

This past Friday, my last two years of work and studying culminated in an official ceremony, converting me to the Jewish faith. I already presented my statement to the congregation, but decided to put it here as well, for anyone else who may be interested in reading it. My mom even came out for my ceremony, which was awesome.

Conversion Statement- Why Did I Convert?

            In Rabbi Bach’s last service before the New Year, he shared with us that currently one in four people are identifying themselves as “nothing,” or “none” in terms of religion. For most of my life, this label applied to me. My parents felt deep dissatisfaction with their spiritual upbringings, and so didn’t raise me in any religion, wanting different for me. While I know why they did this, it caused me lots of confusion over the years. In a world full of science and proof and fact, was there a higher power? Where did I belong? I felt alienated from the spiritual world, having no understanding of it and no idea where to begin. I had had some encounters with Christianity, but they left me feeling uncomfortable and alone. These experiences had me feeling even more out of place than ever, so for most of my teenage and young adult life, I preferred to defer to the “nothing” category.

My first experiences with Judaism were the bat mitzvahs of my friends Erin and Melissa in 2002. Even though I had never previously been involved in any Jewish ceremony or worship, I felt a sense of belonging and understanding for the first time there in that synagogue. But it would be nine more years before that calling would really make sense to me, and pull me in a definite direction. In that time, I completed my education, got married and moved out of the safety and security of my parents’ home. I think that’s when the “nothing” label started to not be good enough for me anymore. I was now in the adult world, no longer a teenager who knew everything. As J.R.R Tolkien tells us in Lord of the Rings, “Nothing is certain; some things ARE certain.” What had become certain to me was that there was a higher power in the world, though it made little sense to me.

            Then, several years ago, my friend Maggie converted to Judaism from the church. I didn’t know one could do such a thing. Her dedication and perseverance encouraged me to seek out a temple where I might explore Judaism for myself, remembering the community and belonging from the bat mitzvahs so many years before. There were no temples in Oklahoma, where my husband and I were first stationed in 2010, so I was forced to wait until March of 2011 when we first arrived here in El Paso. I contacted the temple office, and they helped me set up a meeting with Rabbi Bach. His instructions before our first meeting were easy enough: attend one of the services that weekend. And in only one service, I knew I was where I truly belonged. I can’t entirely put it into words, but I just KNEW. Now that’s not to say it’s been an easy journey since then, reconciling my life before Judaism with my current sense of spirituality. It’s taken a lot of time, learning, soul searching, and mostly, lots of praying (which I had never done before). But now I know where I belong, what I believe, who I am. I have found my home as a Jew. Our prayer book reads, “May the doors of this synagogue be wide enough to receive all who hunger for love, all who are lonely for friendship. May it welcome all who have cares to unburden, thanks to express, hopes to nurture… May this synagogue be, for all who enter, the doorway to a richer and more meaningful life.” And for me, it is.

And now that it’s official, you all can start charging me. Thank you.

Breaking the Stigma- Part 2

Now that all is said and done and I'm 2.5 years married, I'm currently a stay at home wife. To boot, I'm a stay at home army wife (SAHAW). If I thought the stigma and judgment would end once we were finally married and the idea of our marriage had the chance to mature in the minds of our peers/friends/associates/society, I couldn't have been more wrong. Here are some responses to some of my favorite current criticisms. As always, colorful language and metaphores are present, and all "you's" are general.


1. "You're an ARMY wife. Wow, you must have a bajillion kids."- Oh really now? And where exactly would I be hiding my hoard of children, since I don't remember conceiving, birthing, or seeing any. And 2.5 years is a LONG ass time for a game of hide-and-seek, even for the best of them.

2. "You also stay at home; you must not have an education."- Would you also suggest that gnomes govern the sewer systems, and that the sun is actually a giant Tropicana orange? I worked two jobs in college, and still earned two degrees in four years. DO NOT doubt my work ethic or will power. If you'd like, you can examine my diploma for yourself, as ugly as it is (hint HINT Muhlenberg College!). It does exist, laying in the bottom of my closet. Because unlike YOU, everything I am is worth more than a piece of paper. 

3. "Well then why are you not working? You must be lazy, or have no career goals of your own. You're happy to mooch off your husband."- Do. Not. EVER. Say. This. To. Me. Period. While there are certain things I do enjoy about being at home right now, I'm no leech. I did not marry my husband for his money, so I could sit around on my ass and not contribute. There are many reasons factoring into why I'm not working right now, which are no one else's business but my own. But since you're so bold as to assume, I'll elaborate a little bit. YOU try finding a job in a bilingual area when you're not bilingual. YOU try finding a job where employers know you won't be living there long enough to make training you worth their while. And YOU try changing career paths without being able to get your foot in the door anywhere for the aforementioned reasons. And THEN tell me what I must or must not want for my life.

Breaking the Stigma... Sorta- Part 1

After Ann Romney spoke recently on TV, a friend (who I do hold in very high regard, despite what I'm about to say) made a statement to the effect of "Wow, I'm glad she relates to me. I didn't know what I was missing out on by getting married at 22, popping out five kids, never working and not doing anything with my life!" I'm completely paraphrasing, but that was the gist of her written thought. And on the one hand, I do understand what she means. I was a double major in college with two jobs; I believe in having lofty ambitions, and in women putting their minds to getting whatever they want. On the other hand, my married-at-22-and-unemployed-ass-on-the-couch had another response; "OUCH."

And now, I'm responding again about ten days later, but not just to this singular comment. It's a perk of being unemployed, a stay at home wife (SAHW), I have a lot of time. ;-) This comment made me remember the reactions and comments I got as I was engaged and getting married. Which WAAAAAAAAY outnumbered any congratulations I got, by the way. And now, I will FINALLY have the chance to address it all here. Only about three years late, but the internet lets me do that. If you don't want to "hear" it, don't read it. As usual, all "you's" are general, and not meant to name anyone specifically.

1. "You're rushing things! You barely know him"- Actually, we'd been together for about 4.5 years when cookie monster proposed. So even though we were 21 at that point, we'd hardly been sitting about for all that time waiting for the day where we could be properly introduced and get to know each other.  It was DATING, not high tea with the Queen! I don't think we were rushing anything. It's like how the rest of the Star Wars cast knew EXACTLY where to track down Han, but still took 3 years to rescue him. Would you say THEY were rushing things??? I don't think HE thought so.

2. "Is there a.... special... reason this is happening so quickly?"- I am going to say this ONCE. Just this one time, for any and all to see/read. I will never answer this question publicly again. I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN PREGNANT. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant and deciding to get married. I don't care as long as everyone is happy. But have your damn facts straight before you open your big mouth and assume something like that. I can't even tell you how hurtful that reaction was (and I did get it- to my face).

3. "There's no reason to get married when you're so young!"- But there's no reason to NOT get married so young either. We had to deal with the reality that the Army was setting in front of us. He was NEVER going to be living on east coast again, three weeks after commissioning/graduation. NEVER. We had those three weeks, or we could have been stuck waiting YEARS until one of us could get enough vacation time to travel cross-country to get married. And we wanted our families there. It could have been a real life "Five Year Engagement." And while there's nothing wrong with that, it isn't what we wanted. And isn't that the bottom line?

4. "It's so sudden!"- We'd been discussing getting engaged and married in detail about 5-6 months before his official proposal. I don't think that's so sudden? Just because we didn't publish it in the Muhlenberg paper, and broadcast it via Mike Bruckner's email cyberspace, doesn't mean discussions weren't happening. They were just private, as they should be. If we wanted to end up in the "Verbatim" column (quotes of horrible things you heard on campus), we would have held open forum in the GQ cafeteria! But thankfully, that wasn't necessary. It was our lives, not a national political convention.

And even though my life is currently that of a SAHW, I don't think I fit in with all being said about me on that topic either. But that, is for another night.

The tips continue!

Deployment Tip #2- Laugh often

Disclaimer: for the purposes of this blog entry, all pronouns will be masculine, and all military personell will be soldiers. Sorry ladies, marines, airmen, etc., but I'm too lazy to write them all out over and over again. So if you aren't a male soldier, please don't think I'm excluding you.

It's difficult to describe the plethora of emotions that come along with a combat deployment. But I think the most simple way I can describe the whole of all these different feelings is in one word- incomplete. I don't mean this in the typical, co-dependent and melodramatic fashion of "you complete me," or "my soul wasn't whole until I met you." I find that ridiculous. Unless you WANT to admit to being partially brain-dead until that magical day that love finally found you and awakened the lost synaptic connections, I suggest abandoning that attitude. Or auditioning for a part in the newest day-time soap opera, whichever you prefer.  It should have been "If YOU only had a brain."

When I say "incomplete," I mean something entirely different. My life does not stop when my husband is gone. By all appearances, it might look like my life hasn't changed at all, or that I'm a cold hearted bitch for not missing him "enough," or being as distraught as people think I ought be. I try to enjoy every day to the fullest, and have as much fun as I can. But there is never a day that I forget about him, the danger he's in, or how much I miss him. When I have to love him from across the world, I feel every mile. I'm incomplete because he holds a piece of my heart. And when he's gone, he takes that piece with him. It still exists, since he has it. But it's not with me anymore, so a small piece of me is separate from the rest. When he's with me, it's shared, rather than separate. But until he can be with me again, it remains separate.

Now, it's not unusual for shit to hit the fan the MOMENT he deploys. You may have a leak in your roof (sorry Megan), or you may cut your finger open on a knife and THEN realize you have no bandaids (that dumbass was me). But sometimes, shit is just FUNNY. Here are some personal examples.

1. I was craving hibatchi one night, so I ordered it to go. And there was much rejoicing. For some reason, I was still craving it the next night (if anyone tries to make a preggo comment at this point, I will SHANK you). It's super high in calories and expensive, but I decided to have it again for a second night in a row. I figured what the hell, no one but Paul would ever find out how much I was stuffing my face. So I call and give my order, and I give my name when he asks for it before hanging up. He says "Oh, I remember you from last night!" *facepalm* And when I go to pick it up, he says "See you again really soon!"

2. Several people have asked me if we're trying to have a baby (sorry, Karen). I got so irritated, I finally decided to get a laugh out of it. I responded with "Unless you want to loan me YOUR husband, getting pregnant during a deployment means writing checks my hoohah can't cash." They didn't laugh, but I sure as hell did.

3. When cookie monster was at pre-deployment training (still counts), I was snuggling with our puppy one night. He was nuzzling me a lot, which I thought was sweet. I realized I needed some milk for the next morning, so I went to check my face and such before going to the grocery store. Low and behold, there were two huge wet spots on my chest, in the obvious suggestive places. He'd licked, instead of nuzzled. I hadn't done laundry yet and didn't have any clean clothes, so I had no choice but to go out like that, which was funny enough. Then, I made a facebook status about it, and joked that people might think the reason for the wet spots was because I had another man over while mine was gone, when in reality, my dog had tried to get to second base with me. Cue another round of giggle from me, as I thought I was so witty. Then I realized that it sounded like I'd just revealed details of what my husband and I do in our bedroom when he IS home. I might as well have invited all my facebook friends into a porno for how bad it sounded. Take foot, insert in mouth, keep digging grave. While embarrassing in the moment, it was also kind of funny. I think the person next to me in the dairy section thought I was possessed as I maniacally giggled to myself. 

In conclusion, when going through a deployment, laughing at yourself can be a good antidote for sadness. And if that doesn't work for you, laughing at me is acceptable instead, I don't mind. ;-)

  

The plump, read headed stepsister with braces

As the cookie monster and I prepare for our adventure in SFAAT Afghan-land, I can't help but think about this same time last year, and how different things are now. This is a post delving into the things I didn't know- and for a large part still don't.

We were brand new to the area and Ft. Bliss. While the other wives were friendly, I felt intimidated by their experience and wisdom, and didn't know how I could ever hope to be like them. Not only were they able to keep it together when the guys left, but they excelled at being temporarily single parents. They were able to set up a play date with one hand, drop the chicklets off at school with the other, cook a three course meal with their left foot (obviously needing the right to stand on), using the big toe on that left foot to change diapers, and magically make themselves up to look FABULOUS just through sheer willpower. They were superheros.

And then there was...... me. My great feat of courage was telling the cashier to "bite me," after she sneered at my public display of bawling in the Walmart check-out line. My superhero power was my unchallenged ability to pack on more weight than Dom Deluise, without the slightest bit of effort. And the whole time, all I could think was "How am I going to get through this?" I thought about those other women, the epitome of strength and grace..... and then me, the plump, red headed stepsister with braces.

But as the cookie monster and I prepare for the start of our second deployment, I'm realizing that everyone starts somewhere. This time, I'm staying in El Paso, and I'll be living in our house, alone by myself. Instead of willing time to slow down so that he doesn't have to leave, I'm anticipating getting the goodbyes over with, so that homecoming can come next. And just like that..... the braces are gone. I can only assume that with time, the plump red headedness will dissipate into something less grotesque.