Some Truths About Divorce

Now I'm by no means an expert on this subject, but as I am currently experiencing it, I do want to share some of what happens behind the scenes of one of life's most complicated experiences. All "you's" are general.

"Divorce should never be an option. It's not what God wants." There are a myriad of legitimate reasons that marriages fail. Reasons that have nothing to do with loss of love, interest, or effort. The God I know is loving, and will forgive me my faults, including this. God knows me and my marriage much better than you ever could hope to understand. So kindly, go piss up your self righteous flagpole. 

"At least you were only married for a few years." So? The divorce process is still the exact same. I was just as invested in making my marriage work as a couple married for twenty years. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Period. In my opinion, duration of time does not lessen or increase the loss of love. No one would say this to a widow who hadn't been married long, so I don't understand why divorce is treated any differently.

"Divorce is the easy way out." It absolutely BOILS my fucking BLOOD to hear/read this. The best part is that it always comes from people who have never experienced a divorce. What part of a divorce do they imagine is so easy? The part where your marriage becomes a long term, unlivable hell? The part where you have to move out of your home and leave everything comforting you know behind? The part where you have to surrender all your hopes and dreams for the relationship to the mercy of the unknown? The part where you have to unplan your entire life and start over? Maybe I'm not doing my divorce correctly, PLEASE tell me which of those things is so easy.

"At least you didn't have any children." This is my absolute favorite. No, I don't have to put on a brave face for anyone. I can cry at my own will, and be a selfish slave to my own roller coaster of emotions. I don't have to curb what I say about my ex in front of anyone, or pretend to not to want to throw the phone every time we have to talk to discuss some technicality or another. No, I will not have to maintain contact with him after the divorce is finalized. But that does not change how I'm feeling. That doesn't keep the waves of pain so intense that I could die of respiratory failure at bay. That doesn't change anything for me, so please stop telling me that.

Phrases I Can't Stand

1. "I'm itching my (insert body part here)." You are not. You are SCRATCHING an ITCH on said body part.

2. "I shouldn't of done that." No, you shouldn't HAVE.

3. "You're so clutch!" What the HELL does this even mean???

4. "They're so bipolar!" This one REALLY gets me, and it's not hard to figure out why. Someone's mood rapidly changing from high to low and vice versa is NOT the definition of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder means you suffer from manic episodes, which is usually characterized by extremely rapid thoughts. You're trying to say that said person suffers severe mood swings. GET IT RIGHT.

5. "I didn't sleep last night, I'm such an insomniac." Unless you have a diagnosis, quit throwing that word around. I guarantee you have NO idea what true insomnia feels like (coming from someone with a diagnosis, writing a blog entry at midnight).

6. "Irregardless," "All of the sudden," and ""I seen (something/someone)."" These are not real words or correct English. Remove them from your vocabulary.

7. "I'm feeling some type of way." And what way IS that, exactly?

8. "God is good," or "It's God's will." Ok, I KNOW I will catch flack for this one, and that's ok. This just gives me impression that you (or whomever) thinks God is sitting up on the clouds, twirling his beard while sipping a caramel mochiatto frappa-something, deciding who gets their prayers answered and who doesn't like a freaking lottery. And for me, that's not how God works, that's not what God is. So I internally die a little inside every time someone says these to me, even though I would never tell them so. I would never want to insult someone else's faith, this one just personally drives me bananas.

... And Now I'm Jewish

This past Friday, my last two years of work and studying culminated in an official ceremony, converting me to the Jewish faith. I already presented my statement to the congregation, but decided to put it here as well, for anyone else who may be interested in reading it. My mom even came out for my ceremony, which was awesome.

Conversion Statement- Why Did I Convert?

            In Rabbi Bach’s last service before the New Year, he shared with us that currently one in four people are identifying themselves as “nothing,” or “none” in terms of religion. For most of my life, this label applied to me. My parents felt deep dissatisfaction with their spiritual upbringings, and so didn’t raise me in any religion, wanting different for me. While I know why they did this, it caused me lots of confusion over the years. In a world full of science and proof and fact, was there a higher power? Where did I belong? I felt alienated from the spiritual world, having no understanding of it and no idea where to begin. I had had some encounters with Christianity, but they left me feeling uncomfortable and alone. These experiences had me feeling even more out of place than ever, so for most of my teenage and young adult life, I preferred to defer to the “nothing” category.

My first experiences with Judaism were the bat mitzvahs of my friends Erin and Melissa in 2002. Even though I had never previously been involved in any Jewish ceremony or worship, I felt a sense of belonging and understanding for the first time there in that synagogue. But it would be nine more years before that calling would really make sense to me, and pull me in a definite direction. In that time, I completed my education, got married and moved out of the safety and security of my parents’ home. I think that’s when the “nothing” label started to not be good enough for me anymore. I was now in the adult world, no longer a teenager who knew everything. As J.R.R Tolkien tells us in Lord of the Rings, “Nothing is certain; some things ARE certain.” What had become certain to me was that there was a higher power in the world, though it made little sense to me.

            Then, several years ago, my friend Maggie converted to Judaism from the church. I didn’t know one could do such a thing. Her dedication and perseverance encouraged me to seek out a temple where I might explore Judaism for myself, remembering the community and belonging from the bat mitzvahs so many years before. There were no temples in Oklahoma, where my husband and I were first stationed in 2010, so I was forced to wait until March of 2011 when we first arrived here in El Paso. I contacted the temple office, and they helped me set up a meeting with Rabbi Bach. His instructions before our first meeting were easy enough: attend one of the services that weekend. And in only one service, I knew I was where I truly belonged. I can’t entirely put it into words, but I just KNEW. Now that’s not to say it’s been an easy journey since then, reconciling my life before Judaism with my current sense of spirituality. It’s taken a lot of time, learning, soul searching, and mostly, lots of praying (which I had never done before). But now I know where I belong, what I believe, who I am. I have found my home as a Jew. Our prayer book reads, “May the doors of this synagogue be wide enough to receive all who hunger for love, all who are lonely for friendship. May it welcome all who have cares to unburden, thanks to express, hopes to nurture… May this synagogue be, for all who enter, the doorway to a richer and more meaningful life.” And for me, it is.

And now that it’s official, you all can start charging me. Thank you.