Moving on After Loss

I am part of a club to which the membership fee is paid daily. There's not a day that goes by without some sort of reminder of my inclusion in the group.

I am divorced.

To some, this may not seem like a big deal. Half of American marriages currently end in divorce, so why should this bother me? We achieve many shortcomings in life. But not many of them have names that bring such stigma and judgement. From others both outside the club, as well as from within it. And no matter what reasons one had for ending a marriage, there's always the feelings of failure that follow.

The judgement does not end with your marriage. The world around me seemed to take that very well, in fact. I think it was me who took it hardest. My life as I knew it came to an end. My social circle rejected me, and made it clear I was no longer welcome in the Army life. I was physically displaced from my home, and returned to the home (in fact the very bedroom) that I had occupied as a teen. The world had turned on its head, yet everything appeared the same. That was the duality of my loss.

Eventually, my life fell back into order. Right around the time I got into grad school and turned my career prospects around, I met a man. Not just any man. THE man. I love him, and he loves me. We're both works in progress, so he understands what it's like to not have my shit all together. We're getting married. And this is displeasing to many people. For my parents, it will never be the "right time" for me again. Others have other concerns. All I can say is that I will never EVER forget the feelings when my marriage ended. The shame, humiliation, the disappointment. But truly, just the raw, overwhelming pain  and sorrow that crushed me. I hope to GOD I never feel anything like that again. And so some days I'm afraid. Because I'm SO freaking happy right now. I'm scared of how amazing it feels. I'm scared that he'll want to leave me too some day. But that's why I can't hide in the shadows forever. I have to try. And if you're one of those displeased people, cut me some slack. Let me be happy while I can. Because tomorrow is not promised to us. So let me have now.    

The Things She Carried- Thoughts for a New Year

As the new year begins, we all start out with new resolutions. Although we have the best of intentions, they rarely last. This year, however, my life depends on a fresh start, a new way of life.

I don't think I need to explain that divorce is devastating. I could go on until I'm blue in the face, and while I've been told blue is a flattering color on me, I doubt the same can be said for suffocation.

This year, my resolution is simply this: to continue on. I am still in the throes of the most difficult period of my life. The weight under which I can feel myself struggle every day is even greater than the weight I've physically amassed in the past few years. Milan Kundera said that to feel light was to lack being; I'm not entirely sure I agree. If this is what he meant by "having weight," then he can keep it. No offense.

As I watch dear friends graduate, get engaged, get married, have babies, and move forward, it throws into sharp relief the stagnancy that is currently my life.

So this year, my hope is for the flow to begin again. To find my own way to move forward, and take that leap.

Some Truths About Divorce

Now I'm by no means an expert on this subject, but as I am currently experiencing it, I do want to share some of what happens behind the scenes of one of life's most complicated experiences. All "you's" are general.

"Divorce should never be an option. It's not what God wants." There are a myriad of legitimate reasons that marriages fail. Reasons that have nothing to do with loss of love, interest, or effort. The God I know is loving, and will forgive me my faults, including this. God knows me and my marriage much better than you ever could hope to understand. So kindly, go piss up your self righteous flagpole. 

"At least you were only married for a few years." So? The divorce process is still the exact same. I was just as invested in making my marriage work as a couple married for twenty years. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Period. In my opinion, duration of time does not lessen or increase the loss of love. No one would say this to a widow who hadn't been married long, so I don't understand why divorce is treated any differently.

"Divorce is the easy way out." It absolutely BOILS my fucking BLOOD to hear/read this. The best part is that it always comes from people who have never experienced a divorce. What part of a divorce do they imagine is so easy? The part where your marriage becomes a long term, unlivable hell? The part where you have to move out of your home and leave everything comforting you know behind? The part where you have to surrender all your hopes and dreams for the relationship to the mercy of the unknown? The part where you have to unplan your entire life and start over? Maybe I'm not doing my divorce correctly, PLEASE tell me which of those things is so easy.

"At least you didn't have any children." This is my absolute favorite. No, I don't have to put on a brave face for anyone. I can cry at my own will, and be a selfish slave to my own roller coaster of emotions. I don't have to curb what I say about my ex in front of anyone, or pretend to not to want to throw the phone every time we have to talk to discuss some technicality or another. No, I will not have to maintain contact with him after the divorce is finalized. But that does not change how I'm feeling. That doesn't keep the waves of pain so intense that I could die of respiratory failure at bay. That doesn't change anything for me, so please stop telling me that.

Phrases I Can't Stand

1. "I'm itching my (insert body part here)." You are not. You are SCRATCHING an ITCH on said body part.

2. "I shouldn't of done that." No, you shouldn't HAVE.

3. "You're so clutch!" What the HELL does this even mean???

4. "They're so bipolar!" This one REALLY gets me, and it's not hard to figure out why. Someone's mood rapidly changing from high to low and vice versa is NOT the definition of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder means you suffer from manic episodes, which is usually characterized by extremely rapid thoughts. You're trying to say that said person suffers severe mood swings. GET IT RIGHT.

5. "I didn't sleep last night, I'm such an insomniac." Unless you have a diagnosis, quit throwing that word around. I guarantee you have NO idea what true insomnia feels like (coming from someone with a diagnosis, writing a blog entry at midnight).

6. "Irregardless," "All of the sudden," and ""I seen (something/someone)."" These are not real words or correct English. Remove them from your vocabulary.

7. "I'm feeling some type of way." And what way IS that, exactly?

8. "God is good," or "It's God's will." Ok, I KNOW I will catch flack for this one, and that's ok. This just gives me impression that you (or whomever) thinks God is sitting up on the clouds, twirling his beard while sipping a caramel mochiatto frappa-something, deciding who gets their prayers answered and who doesn't like a freaking lottery. And for me, that's not how God works, that's not what God is. So I internally die a little inside every time someone says these to me, even though I would never tell them so. I would never want to insult someone else's faith, this one just personally drives me bananas.

... And Now I'm Jewish

This past Friday, my last two years of work and studying culminated in an official ceremony, converting me to the Jewish faith. I already presented my statement to the congregation, but decided to put it here as well, for anyone else who may be interested in reading it. My mom even came out for my ceremony, which was awesome.

Conversion Statement- Why Did I Convert?

            In Rabbi Bach’s last service before the New Year, he shared with us that currently one in four people are identifying themselves as “nothing,” or “none” in terms of religion. For most of my life, this label applied to me. My parents felt deep dissatisfaction with their spiritual upbringings, and so didn’t raise me in any religion, wanting different for me. While I know why they did this, it caused me lots of confusion over the years. In a world full of science and proof and fact, was there a higher power? Where did I belong? I felt alienated from the spiritual world, having no understanding of it and no idea where to begin. I had had some encounters with Christianity, but they left me feeling uncomfortable and alone. These experiences had me feeling even more out of place than ever, so for most of my teenage and young adult life, I preferred to defer to the “nothing” category.

My first experiences with Judaism were the bat mitzvahs of my friends Erin and Melissa in 2002. Even though I had never previously been involved in any Jewish ceremony or worship, I felt a sense of belonging and understanding for the first time there in that synagogue. But it would be nine more years before that calling would really make sense to me, and pull me in a definite direction. In that time, I completed my education, got married and moved out of the safety and security of my parents’ home. I think that’s when the “nothing” label started to not be good enough for me anymore. I was now in the adult world, no longer a teenager who knew everything. As J.R.R Tolkien tells us in Lord of the Rings, “Nothing is certain; some things ARE certain.” What had become certain to me was that there was a higher power in the world, though it made little sense to me.

            Then, several years ago, my friend Maggie converted to Judaism from the church. I didn’t know one could do such a thing. Her dedication and perseverance encouraged me to seek out a temple where I might explore Judaism for myself, remembering the community and belonging from the bat mitzvahs so many years before. There were no temples in Oklahoma, where my husband and I were first stationed in 2010, so I was forced to wait until March of 2011 when we first arrived here in El Paso. I contacted the temple office, and they helped me set up a meeting with Rabbi Bach. His instructions before our first meeting were easy enough: attend one of the services that weekend. And in only one service, I knew I was where I truly belonged. I can’t entirely put it into words, but I just KNEW. Now that’s not to say it’s been an easy journey since then, reconciling my life before Judaism with my current sense of spirituality. It’s taken a lot of time, learning, soul searching, and mostly, lots of praying (which I had never done before). But now I know where I belong, what I believe, who I am. I have found my home as a Jew. Our prayer book reads, “May the doors of this synagogue be wide enough to receive all who hunger for love, all who are lonely for friendship. May it welcome all who have cares to unburden, thanks to express, hopes to nurture… May this synagogue be, for all who enter, the doorway to a richer and more meaningful life.” And for me, it is.

And now that it’s official, you all can start charging me. Thank you.

Breaking the Stigma- Part 2

Now that all is said and done and I'm 2.5 years married, I'm currently a stay at home wife. To boot, I'm a stay at home army wife (SAHAW). If I thought the stigma and judgment would end once we were finally married and the idea of our marriage had the chance to mature in the minds of our peers/friends/associates/society, I couldn't have been more wrong. Here are some responses to some of my favorite current criticisms. As always, colorful language and metaphores are present, and all "you's" are general.


1. "You're an ARMY wife. Wow, you must have a bajillion kids."- Oh really now? And where exactly would I be hiding my hoard of children, since I don't remember conceiving, birthing, or seeing any. And 2.5 years is a LONG ass time for a game of hide-and-seek, even for the best of them.

2. "You also stay at home; you must not have an education."- Would you also suggest that gnomes govern the sewer systems, and that the sun is actually a giant Tropicana orange? I worked two jobs in college, and still earned two degrees in four years. DO NOT doubt my work ethic or will power. If you'd like, you can examine my diploma for yourself, as ugly as it is (hint HINT Muhlenberg College!). It does exist, laying in the bottom of my closet. Because unlike YOU, everything I am is worth more than a piece of paper. 

3. "Well then why are you not working? You must be lazy, or have no career goals of your own. You're happy to mooch off your husband."- Do. Not. EVER. Say. This. To. Me. Period. While there are certain things I do enjoy about being at home right now, I'm no leech. I did not marry my husband for his money, so I could sit around on my ass and not contribute. There are many reasons factoring into why I'm not working right now, which are no one else's business but my own. But since you're so bold as to assume, I'll elaborate a little bit. YOU try finding a job in a bilingual area when you're not bilingual. YOU try finding a job where employers know you won't be living there long enough to make training you worth their while. And YOU try changing career paths without being able to get your foot in the door anywhere for the aforementioned reasons. And THEN tell me what I must or must not want for my life.

Breaking the Stigma... Sorta- Part 1

After Ann Romney spoke recently on TV, a friend (who I do hold in very high regard, despite what I'm about to say) made a statement to the effect of "Wow, I'm glad she relates to me. I didn't know what I was missing out on by getting married at 22, popping out five kids, never working and not doing anything with my life!" I'm completely paraphrasing, but that was the gist of her written thought. And on the one hand, I do understand what she means. I was a double major in college with two jobs; I believe in having lofty ambitions, and in women putting their minds to getting whatever they want. On the other hand, my married-at-22-and-unemployed-ass-on-the-couch had another response; "OUCH."

And now, I'm responding again about ten days later, but not just to this singular comment. It's a perk of being unemployed, a stay at home wife (SAHW), I have a lot of time. ;-) This comment made me remember the reactions and comments I got as I was engaged and getting married. Which WAAAAAAAAY outnumbered any congratulations I got, by the way. And now, I will FINALLY have the chance to address it all here. Only about three years late, but the internet lets me do that. If you don't want to "hear" it, don't read it. As usual, all "you's" are general, and not meant to name anyone specifically.

1. "You're rushing things! You barely know him"- Actually, we'd been together for about 4.5 years when cookie monster proposed. So even though we were 21 at that point, we'd hardly been sitting about for all that time waiting for the day where we could be properly introduced and get to know each other.  It was DATING, not high tea with the Queen! I don't think we were rushing anything. It's like how the rest of the Star Wars cast knew EXACTLY where to track down Han, but still took 3 years to rescue him. Would you say THEY were rushing things??? I don't think HE thought so.

2. "Is there a.... special... reason this is happening so quickly?"- I am going to say this ONCE. Just this one time, for any and all to see/read. I will never answer this question publicly again. I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN PREGNANT. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant and deciding to get married. I don't care as long as everyone is happy. But have your damn facts straight before you open your big mouth and assume something like that. I can't even tell you how hurtful that reaction was (and I did get it- to my face).

3. "There's no reason to get married when you're so young!"- But there's no reason to NOT get married so young either. We had to deal with the reality that the Army was setting in front of us. He was NEVER going to be living on east coast again, three weeks after commissioning/graduation. NEVER. We had those three weeks, or we could have been stuck waiting YEARS until one of us could get enough vacation time to travel cross-country to get married. And we wanted our families there. It could have been a real life "Five Year Engagement." And while there's nothing wrong with that, it isn't what we wanted. And isn't that the bottom line?

4. "It's so sudden!"- We'd been discussing getting engaged and married in detail about 5-6 months before his official proposal. I don't think that's so sudden? Just because we didn't publish it in the Muhlenberg paper, and broadcast it via Mike Bruckner's email cyberspace, doesn't mean discussions weren't happening. They were just private, as they should be. If we wanted to end up in the "Verbatim" column (quotes of horrible things you heard on campus), we would have held open forum in the GQ cafeteria! But thankfully, that wasn't necessary. It was our lives, not a national political convention.

And even though my life is currently that of a SAHW, I don't think I fit in with all being said about me on that topic either. But that, is for another night.