Part 2!!! Yay!!! This is slightly less funny than usual, but I hope I can make it up to everyone later :-)
1. DO NOT- keep contacting them. If they broke up with you, you may have expected it was coming, or come totally out of the blue. I know you are having all these confusing thoughts about WHY did they break up with you, what did you do wrong, etc. IGNORE them. Stalking your ex, or "trying to be friends" right away seriously defeats the point of a break-up. Which is to NOT BE TOGETHER ANYMORE. GAAAAAH! Take a band-aid for example. You rip it off all at once and cut all contact- it hurts like a MOTHER. But once the initial shock and pain occur, the pain is gone pretty quickly, like in a few minutes. It may take longer than a few minutes to get over your ex entirely, but if you bite the bullet and don't try to assuage your pain by trying to keep them around, it does end faster. If you keep creeping off the bandaid, inch by inch, it hurts the ENTIRE time. It doesn't end. It's like slowly pulling on a bandaid that stretches around the entire world. And that BLOWS. Once you are over them (as in your heart no longer flutters or spasms in pain at the sight of them), then, possibly building a new friendship can commence. But NOT until then. Because until then, you're only putting off the inevitable, and drawing it out, so when it DOES finally end somehow, it hurts a million times worse than if you dealt with the pain and loss to begin with.
2. DO- take a few days to yourself. Some people like to get out right away with friends to frget their pain. But most people like to take some time to themselves to grieve. This is normal. However, if you spend so long in bed eating ice cream that your pillow is now HELPING you eat your pint of mint chocolate chip, or you're able to braid your nosehairs- STOP and get OUT of bed. Eventually, after a few days of grieving, you should try to get out and about with friends. While it's ok to not feel like gussying yourself up or fixing your hair, PLEASE do not cease personal hygiene. Now that you're available again, you need to leave yourself open for possibilities of new tomorrows- and no decent Mr. or Ms. Tomorrow is going to be interested in you while you resemble a smelly piece of ghoul-like shrubbery. Unless you REALLY dig that kid from math class who collects his bellybutton lint in a jar.
3. DO NOT- start THROWING yourself at the same or opposite gender (whichever way you swing). Part of Rule #2 is you should take care of yourself physically because it's telepathically understood that you're still hurting a bit inside. Instantly throwing yourself into a new relationship does not allow you the time you need to properly finish the grieving process (see Rule #1). And still having that residual grief will likely just hurt you and this new relationship in the long run, and maybe make you act a lil bit crazy. NO ONE LIKES A PSYCHO BITCH. So give yourself whatever time you need to get your shit together and get over him/her. And if people are telling you you're moving too fast for just having your heart broken- LISTEN. There are too many trainwrecks on the actual railways to let yourself become a metaphorical one.
4. DO- let yourself heal. Don't keep torturing yourself with what if's, or let thoughts about your ex consume your life. The bottom line is: they said NO. You need to respect that, but you also need to acknowledge that no matter how good a reason they had, it is THEIR loss. And that leaves you with an open schedule to pursue other kinds of fun activities. Your life IS NOT over. You had a life before them, and now you need to continue down your yellow brick road WITHOUT them.
5. DO- let yourself cry sometimes. Love and loss hurt. But once you no longer feel like you're being pressed to death, pick yourself up and remember that as much as you're hurting right now, it IS temporary. You won't feel this bad forever, unless you FORCE yourself to. Which a lot of people seem to ENJOY doing. Masochists, all of you.
6. DO NOT- be a bitch. No matter who broke up with whom, spreading awful rumors about the other person or flaunting a new relationship to PURPOSEFULLY hurt your ex is not just BAD just for them. It makes YOU look bad and bitchy. Bitchy is NOT a good color on anyone. So big a bigger person and go neutral in public. Less time and energy, and more possibilities with the rest of your wardrobe.
7. DO- be a good ex. LET the other person move on. If they keep pursuing you (Rule #1), POLITELY but FIRMLY refuse them, and help them in a way that they're not helping themselves. If your ex starts seeing someone new, don't attack their new partner. The new person in their life is NOT responsible for your hurt feelings, THEY are, so keep your anger in check. And if you find yourself in a position to be so mature, try to even be happy for them, and wish them well. It's all you want for life too, so get a head start.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
How to Have a Successful Break-Up... I mean RELATIONSHIP- Part 1
Lately, I've been witnessing a lot of break-ups/divorces/what have you. So, I've decided to put together my two cents (as an observer) into two different lists: how to make your relationship as enjoyable and successful as possible, and then what to do if the worst should happen, because sometimes it is inevitable that things end. This particular list will be dedicated to making a relationship work- my next post will contain the second list.
To Make Your Relationship Even MORE Awesome:
1. DO be honest- but do know when to keep your mouth shut. Should they know about your bad mood today? Yes. Should you try to calmly discuss the situation if they've done something to upset you? Yes. Do they have to know that at this exact moment, you think their blackheads resemble a nighttime constellation pattern? Not quite.
2. DO show AND tell- every day, don't let them EVER have reason to doubt how much you love and appreciate them. I see so many couples get comfortable, and stop putting in the effort. They lose the spark. Don't let it happen; a relationship is like a living organism. If they were physically dying, would you just stand there to the side and watch it happen? If the answer's yes, please back away from my blog VERY slowly. But for most of us, we would do everything we could to help them. So if the romance starts to die, stop whining and crying, go get a freaking AED and REVIVE the bitch!!!
3. DO talk to each other- but there's nothing wrong with silence too. It does not indicate a loss of interest or love, or that you have nothing to talk about. Feel free to tell them about the awesome flying dream you had last night, while flapping your arms like a bird. If they really love you, they may even offer to hold you off the roof by your ankles to have the most accurate waking experience of that dream possible. They do not need a monologue every day dedicated to the profoundness of the cornflakes/cinnabon/poptart you had for breakfast.
4. DO trust them- enough said.
5. DO NOT try to take away their friends- I cannot even FATHOM it when men or women tell their s/o that they CANNOT have friends (both their gender AND the opposite gender), or hang out with them alone. To me, that indicates a huge lack of confidence, that they cannot be with anyone without your supervision or permission. I realize not every couple feels this way- but it is MY two cents. If I told Cookie Monster he couldn't have any friends without me there, and therefore I HAD to be wherever he was, I'd freaking KILL myself to escape the boredom that would ensue. The reason he has friends is they find similar topics interesting- which a lot of the time, I DO NOT agree to be fascinating. I find counting the number of hair follicles on my head to be more thrilling than do some of his favorite hobbies. Him having friends means I get to AVOID this and do what I want :-) Win? I think so.
6. DO keep the intimacy alive- however possible. No relationship should revolve around or depend on sex. But there's a certain emotional intimacy that goes along with physical (meaning sexual) intimacy. So if the physical intimacy suffers, the emotional well-being of the relationship will suffer IF that emotional intimacy is not achieved SOMEHOW, in another way. How each couple handles it is complicated, and up to them. But if the sex is lacking (or lagging in awesomeness), make sure it gets addressed however you feel comfortable.
7. DO NOT play games- of the mind variety, I mean. Please, play whatever board games you like together. But leave the calculating manipulation and control on said board, where it belongs. Be mature adults, and try to work out your problems as such. Because in the end, mental and emotional games ALWAYS backfire. ALWAYS. And then the only Battleship that will sink will be the one your relationship sailed on.
8. DO say sorry- often. This doesn't mean they are right, and you are admitting defeat. But it lets both parties show they regret any nastiness that occurred during a fight, and even if you still don't agree, you do still love each other. After all, if your favorite and very dependable vibrator ran out of batteries every so often (as they usually do) , you wouldn't just throw it out and go buy a new one, would you? Well I hope not, those things are hella expensive. But what is more expensive is the cost of stubborn pride on a relationship. Don't let it fall apart because you couldn't say two little words.
To Make Your Relationship Even MORE Awesome:
1. DO be honest- but do know when to keep your mouth shut. Should they know about your bad mood today? Yes. Should you try to calmly discuss the situation if they've done something to upset you? Yes. Do they have to know that at this exact moment, you think their blackheads resemble a nighttime constellation pattern? Not quite.
2. DO show AND tell- every day, don't let them EVER have reason to doubt how much you love and appreciate them. I see so many couples get comfortable, and stop putting in the effort. They lose the spark. Don't let it happen; a relationship is like a living organism. If they were physically dying, would you just stand there to the side and watch it happen? If the answer's yes, please back away from my blog VERY slowly. But for most of us, we would do everything we could to help them. So if the romance starts to die, stop whining and crying, go get a freaking AED and REVIVE the bitch!!!
3. DO talk to each other- but there's nothing wrong with silence too. It does not indicate a loss of interest or love, or that you have nothing to talk about. Feel free to tell them about the awesome flying dream you had last night, while flapping your arms like a bird. If they really love you, they may even offer to hold you off the roof by your ankles to have the most accurate waking experience of that dream possible. They do not need a monologue every day dedicated to the profoundness of the cornflakes/cinnabon/poptart you had for breakfast.
4. DO trust them- enough said.
5. DO NOT try to take away their friends- I cannot even FATHOM it when men or women tell their s/o that they CANNOT have friends (both their gender AND the opposite gender), or hang out with them alone. To me, that indicates a huge lack of confidence, that they cannot be with anyone without your supervision or permission. I realize not every couple feels this way- but it is MY two cents. If I told Cookie Monster he couldn't have any friends without me there, and therefore I HAD to be wherever he was, I'd freaking KILL myself to escape the boredom that would ensue. The reason he has friends is they find similar topics interesting- which a lot of the time, I DO NOT agree to be fascinating. I find counting the number of hair follicles on my head to be more thrilling than do some of his favorite hobbies. Him having friends means I get to AVOID this and do what I want :-) Win? I think so.
6. DO keep the intimacy alive- however possible. No relationship should revolve around or depend on sex. But there's a certain emotional intimacy that goes along with physical (meaning sexual) intimacy. So if the physical intimacy suffers, the emotional well-being of the relationship will suffer IF that emotional intimacy is not achieved SOMEHOW, in another way. How each couple handles it is complicated, and up to them. But if the sex is lacking (or lagging in awesomeness), make sure it gets addressed however you feel comfortable.
7. DO NOT play games- of the mind variety, I mean. Please, play whatever board games you like together. But leave the calculating manipulation and control on said board, where it belongs. Be mature adults, and try to work out your problems as such. Because in the end, mental and emotional games ALWAYS backfire. ALWAYS. And then the only Battleship that will sink will be the one your relationship sailed on.
8. DO say sorry- often. This doesn't mean they are right, and you are admitting defeat. But it lets both parties show they regret any nastiness that occurred during a fight, and even if you still don't agree, you do still love each other. After all, if your favorite and very dependable vibrator ran out of batteries every so often (as they usually do) , you wouldn't just throw it out and go buy a new one, would you? Well I hope not, those things are hella expensive. But what is more expensive is the cost of stubborn pride on a relationship. Don't let it fall apart because you couldn't say two little words.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Following the cookie monster
So I've been getting asked a lot of questions lately, in relation to my marriage (my other half will now be known as "The Cookie Monster") and such. But the one conversation that keeps popping up (and pissing me off) is "Oklahoma? Why would you move there?" "Well, Paul will be there for the last phase of his army schooling, so I'm going out to join him." "But WHY???"
I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does my head feel so light, but not float away? What good reasons could I POSSIBLY have for wanting to be with my husband?
I think some people don't realize he is GONE. He is NOT coming back to NJ. After his bit in Kentucky is over (where I'm NOT allowed to follow him), he will go to Oklahoma, and then he will move and live wherever he is assigned to, as his first official duty station. I had originally planned to stay in NJ until after he was done in Oklahoma, but we changed our mind. Why, might you ask?
First of all, he is my HUSBAND. A lot of people (me included) don't realize how different it actually is to go from a girlfriend or fiancee to a full blown wife. Your relationship itself may not change a whole lot, but said former relationship morphs into a much different version of what it used to be. And let's face it; most people get married and (if they haven't already) MOVE IN TOGETHER. Gasp, I know. It's so shocking! I would love to be guzzling cookies ALL THE TIME!
Now, to answer that asininely BURNING question of "why?" By the time The Cookie Monster gets to Oklahoma, we will have been separated for three months, out of three and a half months of marriage. Now, I realize while plenty of other jobs send their workers on business trips, I don't know too many jobs outside the military that send people for multiple months (or even years) at a time. The average business trip for other jobs seems to be 1-2 weeks. But amount of time is not the point- I fully expect any wife who's husband has to go away for a few weeks to miss him JUST as much as I miss my Cookie Monster. I do not hold dibs or the quota on being able to miss anyone, just because I'm a cookie whore.... I mean, an army wife. So WHY said wives who miss their hubbies just as much as I do WOULDN'T understand, I really have no idea.
Ok, imagine. You pledge your undying love and devotion to each other, then say goodbye not long after. Now, YOUR hubby/boyfriend/flying-purple-people-eater (etc.) is on one of his two week business trips. His boss makes him either give him his phone (where he locks it away in a safe that will pelt you with cookie baseballs if you try to break it open), or forces him to place it outside in the pouring rain. Either way, his cell phone is destroyed. He can use a communal company computer for absolute emergencies, but otherwise, he is un-reachable. NO phone calls every night, and no substitute text or email. You get maybe a two-sentence email message twice each week, if you're lucky. Imagine how upset and frustrated you would feel, if starved of cookies from far away for those two whole weeks. Now, imagine if that lasted EIGHT MONTHS instead of two weeks. Would you NOT be ready to commit cookie suicide, after being deprived of your cookies for so long? And then, if you found out you could get your cookies back sooner, and only be apart for THREE months, instead of eight, are you really going to pretend to act like you wouldn't jump at it in half a heartbeat?
So, the answer to this end all be all question is very simple: because I'm a cookie whore. And so are you. So quit acting like you're above it all, and BRING ME THAT DAMN COOKIE JAR!!!
I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does my head feel so light, but not float away? What good reasons could I POSSIBLY have for wanting to be with my husband?
I think some people don't realize he is GONE. He is NOT coming back to NJ. After his bit in Kentucky is over (where I'm NOT allowed to follow him), he will go to Oklahoma, and then he will move and live wherever he is assigned to, as his first official duty station. I had originally planned to stay in NJ until after he was done in Oklahoma, but we changed our mind. Why, might you ask?
First of all, he is my HUSBAND. A lot of people (me included) don't realize how different it actually is to go from a girlfriend or fiancee to a full blown wife. Your relationship itself may not change a whole lot, but said former relationship morphs into a much different version of what it used to be. And let's face it; most people get married and (if they haven't already) MOVE IN TOGETHER. Gasp, I know. It's so shocking! I would love to be guzzling cookies ALL THE TIME!
Now, to answer that asininely BURNING question of "why?" By the time The Cookie Monster gets to Oklahoma, we will have been separated for three months, out of three and a half months of marriage. Now, I realize while plenty of other jobs send their workers on business trips, I don't know too many jobs outside the military that send people for multiple months (or even years) at a time. The average business trip for other jobs seems to be 1-2 weeks. But amount of time is not the point- I fully expect any wife who's husband has to go away for a few weeks to miss him JUST as much as I miss my Cookie Monster. I do not hold dibs or the quota on being able to miss anyone, just because I'm a cookie whore.... I mean, an army wife. So WHY said wives who miss their hubbies just as much as I do WOULDN'T understand, I really have no idea.
Ok, imagine. You pledge your undying love and devotion to each other, then say goodbye not long after. Now, YOUR hubby/boyfriend/flying-purple-people-eater (etc.) is on one of his two week business trips. His boss makes him either give him his phone (where he locks it away in a safe that will pelt you with cookie baseballs if you try to break it open), or forces him to place it outside in the pouring rain. Either way, his cell phone is destroyed. He can use a communal company computer for absolute emergencies, but otherwise, he is un-reachable. NO phone calls every night, and no substitute text or email. You get maybe a two-sentence email message twice each week, if you're lucky. Imagine how upset and frustrated you would feel, if starved of cookies from far away for those two whole weeks. Now, imagine if that lasted EIGHT MONTHS instead of two weeks. Would you NOT be ready to commit cookie suicide, after being deprived of your cookies for so long? And then, if you found out you could get your cookies back sooner, and only be apart for THREE months, instead of eight, are you really going to pretend to act like you wouldn't jump at it in half a heartbeat?
So, the answer to this end all be all question is very simple: because I'm a cookie whore. And so are you. So quit acting like you're above it all, and BRING ME THAT DAMN COOKIE JAR!!!
Monday, July 19, 2010
I'm new to this, but....
Give me a chance. I'm used to having friends close by who understand and embrace my insane psychobabble. But now that I'm going to be moving around a lot more, I hope to give them the chance to catch them on here, since they won't be able to get it for real.
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