I am part of a club to which the membership fee is paid daily. There's not a day that goes by without some sort of reminder of my inclusion in the group.
I am divorced.
To some, this may not seem like a big deal. Half of American marriages currently end in divorce, so why should this bother me? We achieve many shortcomings in life. But not many of them have names that bring such stigma and judgement. From others both outside the club, as well as from within it. And no matter what reasons one had for ending a marriage, there's always the feelings of failure that follow.
The judgement does not end with your marriage. The world around me seemed to take that very well, in fact. I think it was me who took it hardest. My life as I knew it came to an end. My social circle rejected me, and made it clear I was no longer welcome in the Army life. I was physically displaced from my home, and returned to the home (in fact the very bedroom) that I had occupied as a teen. The world had turned on its head, yet everything appeared the same. That was the duality of my loss.
Eventually, my life fell back into order. Right around the time I got into grad school and turned my career prospects around, I met a man. Not just any man. THE man. I love him, and he loves me. We're both works in progress, so he understands what it's like to not have my shit all together. We're getting married. And this is displeasing to many people. For my parents, it will never be the "right time" for me again. Others have other concerns. All I can say is that I will never EVER forget the feelings when my marriage ended. The shame, humiliation, the disappointment. But truly, just the raw, overwhelming pain and sorrow that crushed me. I hope to GOD I never feel anything like that again. And so some days I'm afraid. Because I'm SO freaking happy right now. I'm scared of how amazing it feels. I'm scared that he'll want to leave me too some day. But that's why I can't hide in the shadows forever. I have to try. And if you're one of those displeased people, cut me some slack. Let me be happy while I can. Because tomorrow is not promised to us. So let me have now.
