Now that all is said and done and I'm 2.5 years married, I'm currently a stay at home wife. To boot, I'm a stay at home army wife (SAHAW). If I thought the stigma and judgment would end once we were finally married and the idea of our marriage had the chance to mature in the minds of our peers/friends/associates/society, I couldn't have been more wrong. Here are some responses to some of my favorite current criticisms. As always, colorful language and metaphores are present, and all "you's" are general.
1. "You're an ARMY wife. Wow, you must have a bajillion kids."- Oh really now? And where exactly would I be hiding my hoard of children, since I don't remember conceiving, birthing, or seeing any. And 2.5 years is a LONG ass time for a game of hide-and-seek, even for the best of them.
2. "You also stay at home; you must not have an education."- Would you also suggest that gnomes govern the sewer systems, and that the sun is actually a giant Tropicana orange? I worked two jobs in college, and still earned two degrees in four years. DO NOT doubt my work ethic or will power. If you'd like, you can examine my diploma for yourself, as ugly as it is (hint HINT Muhlenberg College!). It does exist, laying in the bottom of my closet. Because unlike YOU, everything I am is worth more than a piece of paper.
3. "Well then why are you not working? You must be lazy, or have no career goals of your own. You're happy to mooch off your husband."- Do. Not. EVER. Say. This. To. Me. Period. While there are certain things I do enjoy about being at home right now, I'm no leech. I did not marry my husband for his money, so I could sit around on my ass and not contribute. There are many reasons factoring into why I'm not working right now, which are no one else's business but my own. But since you're so bold as to assume, I'll elaborate a little bit. YOU try finding a job in a bilingual area when you're not bilingual. YOU try finding a job where employers know you won't be living there long enough to make training you worth their while. And YOU try changing career paths without being able to get your foot in the door anywhere for the aforementioned reasons. And THEN tell me what I must or must not want for my life.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Breaking the Stigma... Sorta- Part 1
After Ann Romney spoke recently on TV, a friend (who I do hold in very high regard, despite what I'm about to say) made a statement to the effect of "Wow, I'm glad she relates to me. I didn't know what I was missing out on by getting married at 22, popping out five kids, never working and not doing anything with my life!" I'm completely paraphrasing, but that was the gist of her written thought. And on the one hand, I do understand what she means. I was a double major in college with two jobs; I believe in having lofty ambitions, and in women putting their minds to getting whatever they want. On the other hand, my married-at-22-and-unemployed-ass-on-the-couch had another response; "OUCH."
And now, I'm responding again about ten days later, but not just to this singular comment. It's a perk of being unemployed, a stay at home wife (SAHW), I have a lot of time. ;-) This comment made me remember the reactions and comments I got as I was engaged and getting married. Which WAAAAAAAAY outnumbered any congratulations I got, by the way. And now, I will FINALLY have the chance to address it all here. Only about three years late, but the internet lets me do that. If you don't want to "hear" it, don't read it. As usual, all "you's" are general, and not meant to name anyone specifically.
1. "You're rushing things! You barely know him"- Actually, we'd been together for about 4.5 years when cookie monster proposed. So even though we were 21 at that point, we'd hardly been sitting about for all that time waiting for the day where we could be properly introduced and get to know each other. It was DATING, not high tea with the Queen! I don't think we were rushing anything. It's like how the rest of the Star Wars cast knew EXACTLY where to track down Han, but still took 3 years to rescue him. Would you say THEY were rushing things??? I don't think HE thought so.
2. "Is there a.... special... reason this is happening so quickly?"- I am going to say this ONCE. Just this one time, for any and all to see/read. I will never answer this question publicly again. I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN PREGNANT. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant and deciding to get married. I don't care as long as everyone is happy. But have your damn facts straight before you open your big mouth and assume something like that. I can't even tell you how hurtful that reaction was (and I did get it- to my face).
3. "There's no reason to get married when you're so young!"- But there's no reason to NOT get married so young either. We had to deal with the reality that the Army was setting in front of us. He was NEVER going to be living on east coast again, three weeks after commissioning/graduation. NEVER. We had those three weeks, or we could have been stuck waiting YEARS until one of us could get enough vacation time to travel cross-country to get married. And we wanted our families there. It could have been a real life "Five Year Engagement." And while there's nothing wrong with that, it isn't what we wanted. And isn't that the bottom line?
4. "It's so sudden!"- We'd been discussing getting engaged and married in detail about 5-6 months before his official proposal. I don't think that's so sudden? Just because we didn't publish it in the Muhlenberg paper, and broadcast it via Mike Bruckner's email cyberspace, doesn't mean discussions weren't happening. They were just private, as they should be. If we wanted to end up in the "Verbatim" column (quotes of horrible things you heard on campus), we would have held open forum in the GQ cafeteria! But thankfully, that wasn't necessary. It was our lives, not a national political convention.
And even though my life is currently that of a SAHW, I don't think I fit in with all being said about me on that topic either. But that, is for another night.
And now, I'm responding again about ten days later, but not just to this singular comment. It's a perk of being unemployed, a stay at home wife (SAHW), I have a lot of time. ;-) This comment made me remember the reactions and comments I got as I was engaged and getting married. Which WAAAAAAAAY outnumbered any congratulations I got, by the way. And now, I will FINALLY have the chance to address it all here. Only about three years late, but the internet lets me do that. If you don't want to "hear" it, don't read it. As usual, all "you's" are general, and not meant to name anyone specifically.
1. "You're rushing things! You barely know him"- Actually, we'd been together for about 4.5 years when cookie monster proposed. So even though we were 21 at that point, we'd hardly been sitting about for all that time waiting for the day where we could be properly introduced and get to know each other. It was DATING, not high tea with the Queen! I don't think we were rushing anything. It's like how the rest of the Star Wars cast knew EXACTLY where to track down Han, but still took 3 years to rescue him. Would you say THEY were rushing things??? I don't think HE thought so.
2. "Is there a.... special... reason this is happening so quickly?"- I am going to say this ONCE. Just this one time, for any and all to see/read. I will never answer this question publicly again. I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN PREGNANT. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant and deciding to get married. I don't care as long as everyone is happy. But have your damn facts straight before you open your big mouth and assume something like that. I can't even tell you how hurtful that reaction was (and I did get it- to my face).
3. "There's no reason to get married when you're so young!"- But there's no reason to NOT get married so young either. We had to deal with the reality that the Army was setting in front of us. He was NEVER going to be living on east coast again, three weeks after commissioning/graduation. NEVER. We had those three weeks, or we could have been stuck waiting YEARS until one of us could get enough vacation time to travel cross-country to get married. And we wanted our families there. It could have been a real life "Five Year Engagement." And while there's nothing wrong with that, it isn't what we wanted. And isn't that the bottom line?
4. "It's so sudden!"- We'd been discussing getting engaged and married in detail about 5-6 months before his official proposal. I don't think that's so sudden? Just because we didn't publish it in the Muhlenberg paper, and broadcast it via Mike Bruckner's email cyberspace, doesn't mean discussions weren't happening. They were just private, as they should be. If we wanted to end up in the "Verbatim" column (quotes of horrible things you heard on campus), we would have held open forum in the GQ cafeteria! But thankfully, that wasn't necessary. It was our lives, not a national political convention.
And even though my life is currently that of a SAHW, I don't think I fit in with all being said about me on that topic either. But that, is for another night.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The tips continue!
Deployment Tip #2- Laugh often
Disclaimer: for the purposes of this blog entry, all pronouns will be masculine, and all military personell will be soldiers. Sorry ladies, marines, airmen, etc., but I'm too lazy to write them all out over and over again. So if you aren't a male soldier, please don't think I'm excluding you.
It's difficult to describe the plethora of emotions that come along with a combat deployment. But I think the most simple way I can describe the whole of all these different feelings is in one word- incomplete. I don't mean this in the typical, co-dependent and melodramatic fashion of "you complete me," or "my soul wasn't whole until I met you." I find that ridiculous. Unless you WANT to admit to being partially brain-dead until that magical day that love finally found you and awakened the lost synaptic connections, I suggest abandoning that attitude. Or auditioning for a part in the newest day-time soap opera, whichever you prefer. It should have been "If YOU only had a brain."
When I say "incomplete," I mean something entirely different. My life does not stop when my husband is gone. By all appearances, it might look like my life hasn't changed at all, or that I'm a cold hearted bitch for not missing him "enough," or being as distraught as people think I ought be. I try to enjoy every day to the fullest, and have as much fun as I can. But there is never a day that I forget about him, the danger he's in, or how much I miss him. When I have to love him from across the world, I feel every mile. I'm incomplete because he holds a piece of my heart. And when he's gone, he takes that piece with him. It still exists, since he has it. But it's not with me anymore, so a small piece of me is separate from the rest. When he's with me, it's shared, rather than separate. But until he can be with me again, it remains separate.
Now, it's not unusual for shit to hit the fan the MOMENT he deploys. You may have a leak in your roof (sorry Megan), or you may cut your finger open on a knife and THEN realize you have no bandaids (that dumbass was me). But sometimes, shit is just FUNNY. Here are some personal examples.
1. I was craving hibatchi one night, so I ordered it to go. And there was much rejoicing. For some reason, I was still craving it the next night (if anyone tries to make a preggo comment at this point, I will SHANK you). It's super high in calories and expensive, but I decided to have it again for a second night in a row. I figured what the hell, no one but Paul would ever find out how much I was stuffing my face. So I call and give my order, and I give my name when he asks for it before hanging up. He says "Oh, I remember you from last night!" *facepalm* And when I go to pick it up, he says "See you again really soon!"
2. Several people have asked me if we're trying to have a baby (sorry, Karen). I got so irritated, I finally decided to get a laugh out of it. I responded with "Unless you want to loan me YOUR husband, getting pregnant during a deployment means writing checks my hoohah can't cash." They didn't laugh, but I sure as hell did.
3. When cookie monster was at pre-deployment training (still counts), I was snuggling with our puppy one night. He was nuzzling me a lot, which I thought was sweet. I realized I needed some milk for the next morning, so I went to check my face and such before going to the grocery store. Low and behold, there were two huge wet spots on my chest, in the obvious suggestive places. He'd licked, instead of nuzzled. I hadn't done laundry yet and didn't have any clean clothes, so I had no choice but to go out like that, which was funny enough. Then, I made a facebook status about it, and joked that people might think the reason for the wet spots was because I had another man over while mine was gone, when in reality, my dog had tried to get to second base with me. Cue another round of giggle from me, as I thought I was so witty. Then I realized that it sounded like I'd just revealed details of what my husband and I do in our bedroom when he IS home. I might as well have invited all my facebook friends into a porno for how bad it sounded. Take foot, insert in mouth, keep digging grave. While embarrassing in the moment, it was also kind of funny. I think the person next to me in the dairy section thought I was possessed as I maniacally giggled to myself.
In conclusion, when going through a deployment, laughing at yourself can be a good antidote for sadness. And if that doesn't work for you, laughing at me is acceptable instead, I don't mind. ;-)
Disclaimer: for the purposes of this blog entry, all pronouns will be masculine, and all military personell will be soldiers. Sorry ladies, marines, airmen, etc., but I'm too lazy to write them all out over and over again. So if you aren't a male soldier, please don't think I'm excluding you.
It's difficult to describe the plethora of emotions that come along with a combat deployment. But I think the most simple way I can describe the whole of all these different feelings is in one word- incomplete. I don't mean this in the typical, co-dependent and melodramatic fashion of "you complete me," or "my soul wasn't whole until I met you." I find that ridiculous. Unless you WANT to admit to being partially brain-dead until that magical day that love finally found you and awakened the lost synaptic connections, I suggest abandoning that attitude. Or auditioning for a part in the newest day-time soap opera, whichever you prefer. It should have been "If YOU only had a brain."
When I say "incomplete," I mean something entirely different. My life does not stop when my husband is gone. By all appearances, it might look like my life hasn't changed at all, or that I'm a cold hearted bitch for not missing him "enough," or being as distraught as people think I ought be. I try to enjoy every day to the fullest, and have as much fun as I can. But there is never a day that I forget about him, the danger he's in, or how much I miss him. When I have to love him from across the world, I feel every mile. I'm incomplete because he holds a piece of my heart. And when he's gone, he takes that piece with him. It still exists, since he has it. But it's not with me anymore, so a small piece of me is separate from the rest. When he's with me, it's shared, rather than separate. But until he can be with me again, it remains separate.
Now, it's not unusual for shit to hit the fan the MOMENT he deploys. You may have a leak in your roof (sorry Megan), or you may cut your finger open on a knife and THEN realize you have no bandaids (that dumbass was me). But sometimes, shit is just FUNNY. Here are some personal examples.
1. I was craving hibatchi one night, so I ordered it to go. And there was much rejoicing. For some reason, I was still craving it the next night (if anyone tries to make a preggo comment at this point, I will SHANK you). It's super high in calories and expensive, but I decided to have it again for a second night in a row. I figured what the hell, no one but Paul would ever find out how much I was stuffing my face. So I call and give my order, and I give my name when he asks for it before hanging up. He says "Oh, I remember you from last night!" *facepalm* And when I go to pick it up, he says "See you again really soon!"
2. Several people have asked me if we're trying to have a baby (sorry, Karen). I got so irritated, I finally decided to get a laugh out of it. I responded with "Unless you want to loan me YOUR husband, getting pregnant during a deployment means writing checks my hoohah can't cash." They didn't laugh, but I sure as hell did.
3. When cookie monster was at pre-deployment training (still counts), I was snuggling with our puppy one night. He was nuzzling me a lot, which I thought was sweet. I realized I needed some milk for the next morning, so I went to check my face and such before going to the grocery store. Low and behold, there were two huge wet spots on my chest, in the obvious suggestive places. He'd licked, instead of nuzzled. I hadn't done laundry yet and didn't have any clean clothes, so I had no choice but to go out like that, which was funny enough. Then, I made a facebook status about it, and joked that people might think the reason for the wet spots was because I had another man over while mine was gone, when in reality, my dog had tried to get to second base with me. Cue another round of giggle from me, as I thought I was so witty. Then I realized that it sounded like I'd just revealed details of what my husband and I do in our bedroom when he IS home. I might as well have invited all my facebook friends into a porno for how bad it sounded. Take foot, insert in mouth, keep digging grave. While embarrassing in the moment, it was also kind of funny. I think the person next to me in the dairy section thought I was possessed as I maniacally giggled to myself.
In conclusion, when going through a deployment, laughing at yourself can be a good antidote for sadness. And if that doesn't work for you, laughing at me is acceptable instead, I don't mind. ;-)
Monday, May 7, 2012
The plump, read headed stepsister with braces
As the cookie monster and I prepare for our adventure in SFAAT Afghan-land, I can't help but think about this same time last year, and how different things are now. This is a post delving into the things I didn't know- and for a large part still don't.
We were brand new to the area and Ft. Bliss. While the other wives were friendly, I felt intimidated by their experience and wisdom, and didn't know how I could ever hope to be like them. Not only were they able to keep it together when the guys left, but they excelled at being temporarily single parents. They were able to set up a play date with one hand, drop the chicklets off at school with the other, cook a three course meal with their left foot (obviously needing the right to stand on), using the big toe on that left foot to change diapers, and magically make themselves up to look FABULOUS just through sheer willpower. They were superheros.
And then there was...... me. My great feat of courage was telling the cashier to "bite me," after she sneered at my public display of bawling in the Walmart check-out line. My superhero power was my unchallenged ability to pack on more weight than Dom Deluise, without the slightest bit of effort. And the whole time, all I could think was "How am I going to get through this?" I thought about those other women, the epitome of strength and grace..... and then me, the plump, red headed stepsister with braces.
But as the cookie monster and I prepare for the start of our second deployment, I'm realizing that everyone starts somewhere. This time, I'm staying in El Paso, and I'll be living in our house, alone by myself. Instead of willing time to slow down so that he doesn't have to leave, I'm anticipating getting the goodbyes over with, so that homecoming can come next. And just like that..... the braces are gone. I can only assume that with time, the plump red headedness will dissipate into something less grotesque.
We were brand new to the area and Ft. Bliss. While the other wives were friendly, I felt intimidated by their experience and wisdom, and didn't know how I could ever hope to be like them. Not only were they able to keep it together when the guys left, but they excelled at being temporarily single parents. They were able to set up a play date with one hand, drop the chicklets off at school with the other, cook a three course meal with their left foot (obviously needing the right to stand on), using the big toe on that left foot to change diapers, and magically make themselves up to look FABULOUS just through sheer willpower. They were superheros.
And then there was...... me. My great feat of courage was telling the cashier to "bite me," after she sneered at my public display of bawling in the Walmart check-out line. My superhero power was my unchallenged ability to pack on more weight than Dom Deluise, without the slightest bit of effort. And the whole time, all I could think was "How am I going to get through this?" I thought about those other women, the epitome of strength and grace..... and then me, the plump, red headed stepsister with braces.
But as the cookie monster and I prepare for the start of our second deployment, I'm realizing that everyone starts somewhere. This time, I'm staying in El Paso, and I'll be living in our house, alone by myself. Instead of willing time to slow down so that he doesn't have to leave, I'm anticipating getting the goodbyes over with, so that homecoming can come next. And just like that..... the braces are gone. I can only assume that with time, the plump red headedness will dissipate into something less grotesque.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Happy new year!
Yes, I am VERY late with this. Sorry!
The Cookie Monster got home from Iraq almost 8 months early in November, so I haven't needed to post any deployment tips for a while. But never fear, he is deploying to the middle east again this summer, so I'll pick them back up then. Obviously, this means I'm back in Texas. We decided not to go back to the apartment complex (from HELL) and are MUCH happier in our new home! I'm looking for work (I hope to hear about a potential job this week!), and hanging out with friends a lot. I feel much more at home here now than I did before our Iraq adventure began.
I hope to come up with something interesting to write about soon! Stay tuned :)
The Cookie Monster got home from Iraq almost 8 months early in November, so I haven't needed to post any deployment tips for a while. But never fear, he is deploying to the middle east again this summer, so I'll pick them back up then. Obviously, this means I'm back in Texas. We decided not to go back to the apartment complex (from HELL) and are MUCH happier in our new home! I'm looking for work (I hope to hear about a potential job this week!), and hanging out with friends a lot. I feel much more at home here now than I did before our Iraq adventure began.
I hope to come up with something interesting to write about soon! Stay tuned :)
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